The Dictionary with Aloe

Jeeeeeeellly?

2007-07-16T09:34:00.001-06:00

The other day it rained, and this was the view of the Andes from the balcony of my apartment...

Blog love/New things/Babies redux/metric system redux

2007-07-16T09:12:00.000-06:00

Well, well, hello. Hello there land of the blog-readers oh so eager to hear from me again. I know it's been a while...quite a while...and I've got a lot to tell and lots of blogs coming up now that I am - how do you say... - reinspired. so let's get right down to it....

Lots of things have changed, namely my apartment (new downtown one with an awesome view and also a cousin in the adjacent room) and my job (social secretary to an Ambassador) and...my ipod, which is, of course, very important. I don't want to tell you that I now spend my days listening to music, answering the phone, confirming invitations and a myriad of other activities the Ambassador invents for me to do...but yeah it's pretty okay. Although, I have to say for the record, my boss is completely insane but this will all get detailed in time now that the blog has resurfaced.

Babies...

Yes, they are back, fortunately or unfortunately and to stay. They're adorable but sweet jesus, joseph and mary are they a handful. I'll tell you one Tia who will not be taking anyone to the zoo anytime soon. Although thankfully this time around I don't actually see them all that often. More stories on them coming up as well.

Here is a problem I realized recently I still can't get past:

So, I went to the doctor (I won't say which, but for purposes of this experiment it's relatively irrelevant) and the doctor of course asked all the usual questions doctors ask...medical history..?... I think that's it. Anyway, as part of all this questioning he asked me the most basic and simple of questions which led me to a very unfortunate (for both of us) ten minute explanation: "How tall are you?" I looked at him and stuttered a bit 'uh...umm...uh...it's that...uuhh,' and he kind of looked at me like 'Hmmm, that's weird because she doesn't look mildly retarded.'

Then I considered my three options. I can, 1. say 'I don't know' and look like an idiot, 2. say 'Oh, I can't tell you in meters' and look like a weird idiot, or 3. Give a ten minute explanation on how I grew up in the states and I've never actually been measured in meters and I'm so sorry but I think in feet and inches and then look less like an idiot and more like a douche. Guess which I chose. So, after my brief autobiography the doctor pulled out his calculator and figured out what my height would be in meters. You'd think that would have been a good time to memorize that number so that, should someone ever ask me my height again I'd be able to give it. But...not. I've been living here over a year and I still have no idea how to convert feet to meters or kilos to pounds or inches to centimeters. I'm thinking seriously about investing in a ruler, although that might be a little lo-tech for a homegirl.

Oh, bloggie, I'm so glad to be back.

Loves,

- E

my life is a zoo

2007-02-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

Today we took the twins (THE twins) to the zoo...

...

...

I'm dead.

...

I am not alive.

Also, I am never ever having children. And now I've printed it.

I'll stick to dog-bears instead.

(This is Pelusa. Love her.)

Thank you. goodnight.

- E

Twins. Death. Love.

2007-01-30T07:37:00.000-05:00

So, remember those two year old twins I posted in the last entry? Well, they have been visiting their grandmother for the last week here in Santiago and guess who has spent every free moment helping her aunt take care of them?...that's right, 'Tia Eugenia' who - sidebar - is an awesome pseudo-aunt.

Anyhoo, because of this fact I am generally exhausted and also my conversations have been pretty much reduced to the following token phrases:

'Don't hit your sister.'
'Don't kick the dog!'
'Come on, eat. Please eat.'
'Don't touch that.'
'You want me to sing to you in english?'
'Stop kicking the dog!'
'Please let your Tia rest for two minutes, for the love of god.'

As you can see, quite fullfilling. It's fun to go out with them in public because people assume they're mine and they give me that 'oh, look at that poor thing. she has twins. she looks tired as all hell' look. and then they give me their seat on the subway/bus which is always awesome. SO, long story short, I love babies I just really really don't want to have any of my own anytime soon, especially because even the smallest possibility of having twins makes me want to cry out in pain. Not physical, although I do have the bruises to prove babies are not all the balls of fluff and love they're made out to be. trust me.

this afternoon we will possibly take them to the zoo, which should be quite an adventure. i shall have the pictures to prove it. more on that after it does/does not happen.

In the meantime, let me tell you that I have discovered two things. One, that the problem with my computer speakers was that I needed to fix the balance in the volume control. Duh. Two, that MacCenter guy really really does love me. Yesterday we had this HILARIOUS email exchange which he, by the way, started that ended with him telling me if I ever need anything he could come over to look at my computer. ...Relax father, brother, mother, I have no intentions of having him come over to look at my computer... but I thought it worth sharing because he really does know infinitely more about me than I do about him. Creepy and yet somehow kind of sweet.

What else?....man, every muscle in my body hurts from playing with these babies and let me tell you that I seem to have 2 year old fever now because I spend ALL day singing children's songs in spanish in my head. This little number is their favorite, it's called 'Los Zapatos de Papa' (excuse the lack of accents. i can't even think to look at the volume control i certainly will not bother with figuring out accents on this keyboard):

Los zapatos de papa son grandes y pesados
Al andar sonando van boom boom boom
Los zapatos de mama tienen grandes tacos
al andar sonando van cli cli cli cli cla
Y los niños chicos
con piernas muy gorditas
corren tras papa y mama
tiki tiki tiki tiki ta

Oh, if you had the melody to that song right now you would hate me soooo much because you would never EVER get it out of your head.

And off I go to the land of the two year olds again.

Will go into exile soon...and start behaving like an adult again.

Loves(Baby loves),
- E

Personal Questions

2007-01-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

I have a few things to discuss and some pics!

So, I officialy have my computer back and it's almost the same but not quite. One, because it has inifinitely more memory now but also because one of the speakers isnt working. They were both working when I took it in and I'm not sure what the freak at the MacCenter was doing to my speakers, but I am pretty determined to find out by doing an awful lot of yelling and maybe a bit of cursing (possibly in both english and spanish).

Speaking of which, picking up the computer from the Apple hospital was really bizarre. First because one of the first things the guy who was handling the process asked me about a million personal questions including but not limited to:

"How is work?"
"I called you a bunch of times. How come you didn't answer?"
"There's no one at home to pick up the phone when you're not there?"

So now here are some of the things he knows about me:

- I teach english
- What part of town I live in
- That I live alone
- That work is slow this time of year
- My house and cell phone number
- That I went on vacation recently
- What kind of music I listen to

This is what I know about him:

- His name is Luis

I'll be surprised if he doesn't show up at my doorstep in a couple of days with replicas of the both of us dressed exactly the same.

He also made this comment that made me really uncomfortable while I was checking to see if all my pictures were recovered. He said (and I quote) "Oh ALL of the pictures are there. I looked through all of then and made sure they were all there." After that was when he said something about me having gone on vacation.

Yep, that's right. I have no further comment on the topic. I'm looking forward to submitting myself to another round of interrogation when I go bitch about my speaker.

Yay.

Let's backtrack now.

I spent Christmas in a cabin in the south with three cousins, a wife and SEVEN children. Precious, precious things that they are. I'll share some pictures for you to love and admire and if I didn't say it before, Happy New Year!

Here is a view from the bathroom window I took during the crossing from the continent to the island of Chiloe:

My cousin's twin two-year olds and I:

And just for shits and giggles, here are some salmon jumping around in a salmon cage at the salmonry (?) (Salmon are gross):

new years/computer hospital/text messages

2007-01-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

So, this is the new year.
And I don't feel any different.

Or do I?

I kind of do.

One of my theoretical new year's resolus was to try and blog everyday. How quickly did that go to shit? Pretty damn quickly. Which leads me to the next topic...

My computer crashed. It's terrible and flirting with the guy at the MacCenter has done nothing to help my case. Basically, the hard drive needs to be replaced and I've been having laptop withdrawl for about a week and a half now and also I'm certainly not looking forward to the money withdrawl I will be experiencing when I go pick up my baby tomorrow. Sadness, I know. Although on the plus side the MacCenter guy is kind of adorable and I will likely recuperate most of my information AND (big plus) my new hard drive is 80G - my old one was only 30. So....yay? Kind of. I pretended to almost cry when I went to drop it off at the service center and, well, we all know I don't cry so this was an effort for me. But, to my dismay, I didn't manage to get much of a discount.

Tomorrow (I hope) I will be back to the world of the connected and I will try and live up to my already destroyed new year's resolu (are you digging my abreviation of the word resolution? or should I give it up immediately...comments/questions?)

On to the good stuff.

I do this really amazing thing that I've never written about before but after last night's adventures I feel that it deserves attention. You know those people who drunk dial/text message all the time? I have this very effective system that keeps me from doing those kinds of things. It takes a hell of a lot of will power but, damn it, it's worthwhile. So, if I have an urge to call or text message or email anyone after the hour of midnight I will write an email or text message to this person saying whatever it is I think is important and then I will say to myself 'Okay, tomorrow when I wake up, if I still feel this is important enough to say I will send it.' In this way I don't lose what I, at the moment, think is a significant thought and said person does not need to receive incoherent messages from me very late at night. Everyone wins.

This means I have some really hilarious messages saved that I never sent.

Examples...

'What you doin'? - abby' - this is a message to someone from abby while she was here...from my phone...keeep in mind this person does not speak english

'you're a disrespectful jerk. bye.' - moment of enlightment

you get the idea.

Anyhoo, last night I lost the battle. I was out with a friend of mine and while she was busy with other things I was trying to look busy by playing with my phone and, damn it, I sent some text messages. I also wrote a text message to myself which I then saved of some thoughts I had while watching my friend to make sure she was okay. Let me share...

'I'm a bad bad influence. Shit. I'm a bad person.' - my thoughts to myself. It took me about 30 minutes to type out the word ' shit'. awesome.

(I'm sure Abby won't mind me sharing a piece of the message I sent to her)

' I got your lip gloss. Wearing it now. Thanks so much. Can't wait to get back to nyc. Hate boys.' - I believe that last part was quite subtle and poetic.

Long story short (·insert colon here I can't figure out where it is )I may have destroyed lives last night. I'm a bad influence. Lip gloss is awesome. Boys are generally hated by me on Saturday nights. My system of embarrassment avoidal has failed miserably. I'm funny/slightly insane.

Missed me, huh?

Loves,

- E

Batteries

2006-12-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

I need a new battery for my digital camera. This has caused me much anguish in the last month or so for two reasons:

1. You can't find a CR-V3 (which kevin pointed out sounds like C3PO) anywhere in this city.
2. No one understands how difficult it is to find this damn thing and most of the time my 'I can't find a battery for my camera' comment is followed by 'Why don't you just charge it?' As if if I had the option to recharge I'd be looking for a damn battery. Are you people really that dumb?! Bejebus!

So, the other day I went to this store that FINALLY had this ridiculous CR-V3 battery, which I'm still convinced is just two double A's batteries attached by a very flimsly little piece material. Anyway, the battery costs 18,000 pesos, which is roughly 36 dollars. 36! Dollars! Needless to say this price seemed a little bit, oh, excessive, and I considered storming out immediately yelling things in French and kicking babies. But then I saw they had a relatively reasonable alternative: a rechargable CR-V3. This might be something, I thought. So I had the guy bring one out and test it to make sure it works and all that jazz. And, of course, the thing didnt work. Lights were blinking and it looked like things were happening but really there was nothing except the guy from the store fiddling with some kind of screwdrivers, some little machine with numbers and this idiot battery charger that couldn't have charged Whitney Houston's ass on crack. So, he tried to tell me it doesn't work because it's 'too new.' I, in turn, gave him my very famous 'do i look THAT stupid to you, because fine i would have totally still bought this thing if you had just told me it works but now that you said that i know you're full of shit' look.

He was prompted to order up another charger to test, cocky in his feeling that the next one would either work or he'd pretend it did and sell it to me anyway. I was prompted to pick up the little paper with instructions (in english!) that came with the charger and read it. When the next charger came out — after I had already been at this store watching this guy fiddle for a charger for 25 minutes — it, again, failed to even pretend like it was charging. I then had the following conversation with the sales guy:

Me: "The light is supposed to be red when it's charging."
Sales guy: "No, no, it's charging now."
Me: "No, it has to be red when it's charging. This one is just blinking green like the other one was. That means that it's ready to charge but not that it's charging."
Sales guy: "No."
Me: "How are YOU going to tell ME how the thing works!" [pulling out little paper with instructions] "The paper that came WITH the charger says it has to be red! You can't tell me how it works, it says it right here! That light is not red"
Sales guy's friend: "Haha, you have to learn english"
Me: [cocky smile] "well, I mean that's what the paper says. See here where it says 'red'" [pointing to the word 'red' on the paper] "that says that the light has to be red. Red. Not green. I'm not going to buy some thing that doesn't work. I may as well just throw my money at you."

Suffice it to say I left that store feeling pretty awesome and knowledgeable for...well, basically for speaking english and being able to follow simple directions and sales guy felt pretty damn crunchy.

I hate sales people and love english now. Also, my mom is sending me two (!) CR-V3 batteries that she paid 15 dollars for. So, take that city of Santiago with your overpriced batteries. (Thanks mom!)

Suckers.

- E

p.s. I saw at least three really, really bratty children today that made me geniunely thank the lord for the horrible cramps I get once a month, 'cause you know if I had a kid he/she would be the world's most hyper-active spoiled terrible thing on the planet. And I'd definitely have to consider (i said consider!) accidentally driving away while he/she is peeing at a gas station - one that's very far away from home and from where our path cannot be tracked, naturally.

I lika da sodah

2006-12-14T09:11:00.000-05:00

Since I arrived in Chile, there are two things that have continuously made me feel - how should I say this - mentally deficient. (Is that how you spell deficient? see what I mean...)

The first relates to the following excerpt from an email I received from my father (do you love that I'm publishing these things, father?):

'Jei Dóter: Aim sorri zat llu ar sic.'

Now, take a moment to process that, if you can.

...

Anything?

....

No? Well, you would be right about where I was when I received this email if you have no idea what the hell that says. I thought, German?...Hmmm, no that would be weird. But then again...well, it is my father.

But no. Get this - my father was trying to write out this:'Hey Daughter: I'm sorry that you are sick,' except he was trying to write it phonetically as someone who speaks english with a spanish accent.

Clever huh? .....yeah....hmmm...

Anyway, how does this relate to me feeling mentally inferior, you ask? Well, it's because of this: Whenever I use a random english word during a conversation in spanish I have to pronounce it as though I were speaking english with a very thick spanish accent. Otherwise people will just not understand what the hell I just said. Have you ever had a situation where not pronouncing something correctly causes misunderstandings? It's really very very bizarre. But, the thing is that I relax on this matter when I am with people that I know speak some english or will understand. Cut to last weekend when I was with a group of cultured folk some of whom speak english. Imagine us having a conversation about dried, salted meat. Imagine me saying 'Oh! Beef Jerkey!' and then imagine three people repeating the words 'beef jerkey' in a mocking tone trying to imitate the way I say it. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like a douche for saying things PROPERLY? I don't know if my brain can handle much more of this backwards world.

That's the first thing. The second thing deals with my inherent lack of ability to maintain some kind of balance while I walk. Or, you know, the fact that I fall. A lot.

In the US when you fall you know how people do that thing where they look at you and for a split second they're maybe concerned but then once you hit the floor they're already giggling at your dumbass? I find that comforting. Here, people are actually concerned. Mostly the men because they have to be all chivalrous and help you up and all that shit when what you really wanna do is stand up and walk away like it never happened. But they, meanwhile, wanna have a conversation about whether or not you're okay and how, hey that last step is a doozy.

When my cousin got married (the legal civil ceremony not the church one) I was wearing these pants with cuffs and these heels and I always have this issue with the heel getting trapped in the pants and whatnot. I should probably be more cautious, considering, but alas. Anyway, I was walking down these stairs and right as I was about the reach the end of them my heel gets stuck and I trip and fall down like three steps right into this lovely little mud puddle type thing. I knew that it was bad because when I finally looked up like eight people had stopped in their tracks to look at me and they had an oh-my-god-that-girl-is-definitely-dead expression on their faces. I was actually fine but then I had to have a conversation with the guy who sells juice about how my pants were dirty with mud. At least twice I day I do that little trip thing where you kind of go forward like you're about to start jogging but then catch your balance again. At least twice a day some guy on the street catches my arm like he's the hero of the century that keeps me from falling. Then we have that awkward like 'hee hee thanks...I was just um...waaaahhhh!' and then I cry and run away. I think it's the crying that makes it awkward. Also, the fact that I cannot seem to keep my balance for longer than 10 minutes. It's probably because while I walk I am trying to figure out how I should be saying 'Sprite' so that people understand me when I ask for one.

Espriii?

Eh-sprite?

eh-sprithe?

It's a hard-knock life.

- E

Blogger is totally stalking me and also THE BIG EVENT OF THE YEAR

2006-12-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

So, two things about my profile:

One, blogger totally updated my age automatically which is at the same time odd and kind of disturbing. What's the deal, yo?
Two, I updated my profile (at right) and I'm awesome so go look at it. I mention sporks twice, need I say more?

Okay, anyhoo, so my cousin's now infamous wedding came and went and shockingly no one died or lost a limb, which is nice. It was all wedding-like and my dress was red and, as it turns out, none but one of my cousins took a date to the wedding — even the ones in relationships. So, you can imagine how thankful Eugenia was that she also went to the wedding alone and that now that's it's over she can go back to refering to herself in the third person and not worrying about things like dresses and shoes and hair and all that girly wedding crap. God, I'm such a dude. Anyway, possibly the wedding can best be explained through pictures (which of course my family would be horrified to know I am posting in the internet). I'll do my best to narrate but, as weddings go, this one was pretty unfunny and also romantic and shit and who wants to see that on this blog? Certainly not me. On a side note, I did get a little bit of Oh-god-I-wanna-get-married-and-why-is-my-life-miserable-and-why-do-I-attract-freaks-or-married-men water in my eyes, but no crying thank god cause that would have been embarassing.

Anyway, the wedding: a photo essay

No one cares about the church ceremony so we'll skip right to the partaaaaaay

Here are the bride and groom making their grand sunny entrance. Would you believe me if I said this picture was taken at like 8pm?

Here is the groom and his twin sister partying it up. Ask me how many rum and cokes I had had when I took this picture. Ask me. I totally won't answer you but, let me tell you, the dancing was awesome at this point.

Here is a picture of my cousin Javier and I where Javier actually looks kinda normal...and I just now realized how not interesting these pictures must be to you...so...um...this is it.

Now, on that note, I'll leave you with a list of things that The Flaming Lips "Do You Realize?" says we should realize so you can think about them the same way I do when I'm riding the bus all philosophical-like and listening to this song.

- that you have the most beautiful face
- that we're floating in space
- that happiness makes you cry
- that everyone you know someday will die
- that the sun doesn't go down - it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round
- that life goes fast
- that it's hard to make the good things last

deep huh? That's what my bus rides are like these days.

Goodtimes.com,
- E

Guess Who´s Back...Back Again...

2006-12-05T15:39:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't posted in forever because I've had a bit of writer's block and I whined about it a lot and put off posting because I can and blah blah blah blah...

Today I saw this really ugly baby on the subway and I got inspired. Not because I am inspired by really ugly babies (except for being inspired to not have babies) but because this baby was so ugly I had to take out a notebook to doodle on while I rode the subway because the damn thing just kept looking at me and it was freaking me out. And I realized I always do this ridiculous thing. Whenever I have to wait somewhere or I am trying to look busy, I will take out a piece of paper and write down random things as though these things were important information that I HAVE to write down at that very moment. Most of these things end up being song lyrics to whatever song happens to be in my head at the time but sometimes I start writing down random things that people say or, more often than not, random thoughts that I have. So, today on the subway when I looked down at my notebook I found a piece of paper from the other day with the following little gems on it:

'Come to Tazmania'
'There are a lot of hot guys working at the bank'
'oh no you di-in't'
'I'm definitely wearing flip-flops'
'2,800 millones'
'oh my god, i'm tired'
'i'm terrible at video games'

That's just a sneak peek but see if you can follow my thought process there. Although don't hurt your brain trying to figure out how my brain jumps from the theme song to the Tazmanian Devil cartoons to hot guys at the bank. I'm sorry to say I can't explain that one. Also I write all of these in cursive because I see it as a good way to pratice my cursive writing and usually when it comes out kinda ugly or I mess it up I write the same sentence again so that it looks nice. For whom you might ask....and that would be a good question.

The mind is a terrible thing to explore.

Loves,
- E

Laughing Babies Are Awesome

2006-11-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

This is one of the most amazing things I have seen in a long time. I know I haven't written and blah blah everyone hates me and I promise to tell you all about the wedding soon, but in the meantime love me for sharing this with you...

Living Alone

2006-11-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

I've learned many things from living alone in this country.

One of those things is that, like it or not, when you live in a building with doormen they know everything that you do, when you do it, how you do it and who you did it with. It wouldn't surprise me at this point if these guys spent hours just talking about what time I leave, what time I get back and how often I use the bathroom. It's slightly flattering and also incredibly annoying. It's too bad for them I'm really not all that interesting.

Another thing is that when you live alone you have to do shit by yourself. When I was young sometimes I'd hear the toilet running late at night after I had just used the bathroom and it would really bother me to the point that I wouldn't be able to sleep and you know what I would do? I'd yell out "Mom! The toilet is running!" and guess who would get up and jiggle the handle? If you guessed me, you are sorely underestimating the extent of my sloth-like characteristics. Now, I have to do that shit myself. There's nothing worse than the realization that yelling "Mom, the toilet is running" will achieve nothing except a really high water bill this month. One that you have to pay. With the blood money you've earned.

There is a high probabilty that — considering all of the times that I've left the damn thing on all day and the fact that I have to turn it on manually (with a match! a lit match!) — if my gas water heater weren't outside of my apartment my apartment would have sooooo blown up by now like a million times. (I'm safe to live with.)

The two hour time difference that we now have with the US is driving me insane.

So tired,
- E

W.M.A.C.

2006-10-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm reconnected! Yay! And just in time because I have some really important news to reveal.

Although deep down I knew it had to happen eventually, I didn't think it would spring up on me so soon into this adventure. I figured I'd have to sit through at least a few hundred more annoyances before I found it, but I have. I've dont it. It's over. The other day on the subway I finally came accross the worlds most annoying couple (W.M.A.C. for short). I've mentioned before this Chilean phenomenom of everyone being in a relationship and their intense love of public displays of affection, but these two really topped the cake.

During our brief subway ride (about 7 stops) they did all of the following things while sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME (this is not including the fact that they were both gross and I feel like I should make note of that):

- made out
- held hands
- carressed various body parts
- laid in each others laps
- played the 'i love you more' 'no, i love YOU more' game
- discussed their future together
- baby talked
- called each other 'baby'
- read to each other
- discussed their future children/apartment/life
- refused to sit in two seats not next to each other, therefore forcing my ass to move over and have to tolerate them next to me the whole ride

Is that enough, or shall I go on? I mean, can you think of anything worse than these two? Cause I'm finding it particularly difficult to do so. They seriously topped anything I could have pictured the W.M.A.C. to be.

Man, sometimes I hate people a lot.

Loves (annoyed loves),
- E
-

Lots of things

2006-10-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of things to tell but for lack of time they will be in list form.

Here goes...

- I have been an incredibly lazy blogger. I don't have any excuses except that I've been busy and blah blah blah blah blah...you don't wanna hear it.

- Chile's biggest export is copper. Copper is very valuable right now. This means people will go to great lengths to get their hands on some. This means they steal the goddamn electrical cables all the freaking time. Long story short, I have no phone or internet in my apartment until the phone company gets off its lazy ass to go and replace the stolen cables from in front of my building. These are the times that I am reminded I live in a third world country.

- The other day I had this really surreal experience. I was leaving this apartment building and I get into the elevator with this little girl (maybe 3 or 3 and a half years old) and her grandmother. The little girl looks up at me all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and says 'mama!' This was confusing for a lot of reasons. First, she was way to old to be confusing other people for her mother. Second, I was pretty sure I still didn't have any children. Third, um, what the hell? For a split second I imagined this whole ridiculous scenario. Like, I had been in a coma or something and I have amnesia and completely forgot that three years ago I gave birth to a child and there's probably a baby daddy around somewhere and oh...dear...god...what the hell am I going to do?! Thankfully, grandma quickly jumped to the rescue with 'no, that's not your mother.' Which raises the question, why does a normal looking three year old need someone to remind her that the girl that just walked onto the elevator is not her mother? Some mysteries shall simply remain so. On the bright side, I still do not have children. So, yay!

- The wedding is coming up and panic has set in all around. I swear my family wouldn't be this dramatic about it if I was getting married. My god. What a fiasco. On that note, I need to buy a fucking dress! And get a date! And buy the gift! Turn the panic mode switch on someone, please. Haha. Kidding. I am and will continue to be completely relaxed about it. Possibly. I hate weddings.

- Lately I've taken to thinking about all the things that I don't know how to say in Spanish that I might need to know how to say and it freaks me out that I don't. Like, it could be something simple like not knowing bank lingo but mostly I've been into panicking about health related issues. Like, what if I get athelete's foot. I don't know how to say athlete's foot in spanish! Or what if I desperately need some kind of neosporin type thing. I knwo they don't have neosporin here. How do I get some kind of neosporin-equivalent?! I don't even really know what the purpose of neosporin is. I just know I put it on things. This is a very serious situation because, realistically, ANYTHING could happen to me and when things happen for which I need to go to a pharmacy, communication is key. Last time I tried to get some kind of dayquil for a cold and I ended up with some insane pills that I swear to god must have been really strong doses of benedryl or something because I was dying. And this was the result of 'i need something for a cold'... 'we have this on sale. it's the same as - insert name of some Chilean medicine I've never heard of-' ..'um, sure ok.' Do you see the problem?! I cannot exist like this. I need to know things.

- People in this country really, really, really like 80s music. What do you all think about that? I'm still way too confused to have any concrete opinions.

Must get out of internet cafes and join the real world. I promise to write again soon.

Loves,
- E

Oh my god

2006-10-12T23:28:00.000-06:00

I've had this website written down in my notebook for about six months now and everytime I see it I say to myself, why on earth would I have written down this website in my notebook. And now, I know.

Yes, it's fantastic. Completely fantastic. See if you can't rummage around this place and find some incredible stuff. And Domo Kun to you sir.

(WHY is he so angry with the groundhog (?) !? We don't know! So good.)

The Day After

2006-10-10T09:02:00.000-06:00

Yesterday would have been John Lennon´s 66th(?) birthday. Some shit like that. You know why I don't know? Because it was my birthday bitches...and, well, usually I spend that day thinking about me. How does that make that different from any other day, you ask? Good question. Jerk.

Two years ago at this time I had written a short 'word on the street' for 34th Street about turning 22. Yesterday I remembered it because I thought, sweet jesus, joseph and mary that feels like it was about 8 billion years ago.

What is it about birthdays that makes one feel so utterly helpless? Possibly it's the fact that TIME PASSES AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. It's pretty stressful, although red bull and vodka certainly helps.

Anyway, I probably feel more 22 now than I did when I was 22, but something about 24 sounds so much older. I certainly don't feel 24, except sometimes when I do. Like, whe my students say 'how old are you, like 28?' Then I feel 24. Or 50. Either way. Point is, I've reached my - gasp - mid-20s technically and there are just soooo many things you can't get away with anymore in your mid-20s and this feels like it should be presenting a problem for me. It is.

Here's my dilemna in pretend logical terms...

Things I should be doing/not doing by now that I'm not doing/doing:

- something... with my life.
- having some sort of plan for something I should maybe do with my life.
- planning my wedding to my rich rich rich fiance that I'm going to marry asap before he gets away.
- avoiding weddings like the plague
- writing more
- making some effort to live more like a human and less like an animal
- getting over certain fears of certain things that I shouldn't be really afraid of even if they are kinda gross and not at all attractive (I'm making strides on this one)
- reading more
- reaching impossible levels of intelligence
- stop really disliking about 75% of the children I see/meet
- put my college degree to some use
- learn to speak english properly (this one is also moving along kinda nicely)
- update my blog regularly
- live in chile for a year.....oh ...wait...

Now sure there are plenty of other things I had hoped to be doing by 24, but those dreams were crushed long ago, thankfully. And sure there are probably millions of things I want to do before I turn 30 but I figure I have a good 5 years to continue procrastinating in that department. And really 24 isn't a milestone year at all.

If I'm being honest I've done a decent amount with my 24 years and, if nothing else, I can hold my alcohol pretty well and I'm pretty fucking clever sometimes and I totally live alone in a foreign country and I'm not completely repelling anymore and 24 is looking kinda promising on some weird, optimistic level.

Before I know it, 'I'm 24' will stop sounding really really weird and then...BOOM...25. And here we'll be again, lamenting the passing of time and hoping we can someday have a birthday where we look around and realize we live in an awesome city and have an awesome job and have a saint bernard because, fuck it, those dogs are adorable as all hell. and by 'we' i mean 'me' cause I don't really like any of you that much. (should 'me' have quotation marks there? prob not.)

So, happy birthday to me. or 'me.' And Sean Lennon, who also shares a birthday with me because I only share with the top dawgs yo.

(How great is the word 'yo'?)

Gettin´older,
- E

Fears

2006-10-01T21:21:00.000-06:00

Among the many fears that I already claim my own, I have added quite a few more since I have been in Chile . They include, but are not limited to, the following:

- fear of strange cheeks
- fear of gross people touching me on the subway
- fear of throwing up on public transportation
- fear of being trapped in an enclosed space with a couple
- fear of earthquakes
- fear of exploding water heaters
- fear of being held up at knife/gun point
- fear of running into random family members at the mall and/or at a bar
- fear of the cell phone comapny calling me
- fear of having to go within 50 feet of what they like to call 'hospitals'
- fear of the mall on a weekend at the end of the month
- fear of getting caught in protests and the inevitable clouds of tear gas
- fear of people who dress like clowns and ask for money on the bus

As of a few days ago I can now add 'fear of spiders' to that list.

The thing is, I've never really feared spiders, per se. I certainly don't find them adorable and cuddly and when, in the ninth grade on the first day of class, my biology teacher went around the room making random students hold a tarantula I did my best to make sure she didn't come anywhere near me because there was no way in hell I was about to hold that thing in my hand without throwing it and running out of the room screaming like a small, female child. But, I'm not one of those girls who is like 'eeeww a spider...i have to find a boy to kill it for me...hee hee.' No sir, that's not me. I kill my own spiders and I have no problems doing it cause frankly my space is not a human-spider communal space.

So, the other day I found this huge, gnarly spider crawling around near my bed. And that's when it started....

Wait, let me go back.

At some point early on in my Chilean adventure I had this conversation with one of my aunts about spiders. Apparently here in Chile we don't have any dangerously poisonous animals, except for this one spider. A spider which, it just so happens, is common in households everywhere. At first I thought she was kidding, so I laughed, naturally. And then she was like "no, I'm serious." This is while we were taking a table out of a really cobwebby part of the house...so, you can imagine...

Anyway,I didn't really think much of it until I saw a spider in my apartment and even then I didn't think much of it because I killed the sucker right away and didn't see another one and forgot. Then, when Abby was here I mentioned to her that if she sees one she should kill it right away because if it bites her it might be deadly and she freaked out a little and I pretended like it was no big deal and that they don't come into houses ever anyway (which is a boldfaced lie) when really what I wanted to do was hug her and be like "we might die! dear god, what do we do?"

Have any of you seen the movie Aracnophobia? That movie was a turning point in my young life and pretty much the reason I can't watch scary movies ever.

So, fast forward to a few days ago (last week) when I find this GIANT spider walking around near my bed. That's when it hits me, right? Like, if I hadn't seen it that thing could have crawled on my face during the night and I could be dead by morning. The thing is, I realized, I have no idea what these fuckers look like. So, after I killed it I did what any other normal person would do — I walked through the maze of crap that is my apartment, sat on my bed and googled the little suckers.

Image googled. "Araña del rincon."

This is what I found:

I FREAKED OUT because that's exactly what the splotch on my floor looked like, but then I realized the err of my ways because, quite honestly, that picture looks like every spider I've seen ever and HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF A DEADLY THING WAS IN MY APARTMENT OR NOT?! So, I freaked out again. Then I got a paper towel and removed the evidence and immediately began cleaning my apartment because this one website said that was the best way to keep them out. So now I'm totally freaked out about spiders. I have nightmares about them crawling on my face while I'm asleep.

It's nice to know my list of fears really is neverending.

Ugh.

— E

Internal wake-up calls

2006-09-24T12:27:00.000-06:00

Because I work six days a week and therefore have to get up early six days a week the most dreadful thing has been happening to me. I've been waking up automatically on days off at 8am, as though my body is saying to me 'it's 8am! you're always up at this time! what's going on?' Now, I'm not saying I spring up out of bed at 8am. I don't think I've ever sprung out of bed in my life. I just mean at 8am, looking like a heavily sedated big foot I try to find my cell phone and discover the time is not 2pm like I thought. Then sometimes I go to the bathroom — with my eyes slightly closed so I don't wake up completely (thank god I'm not a boy), but not fully closed just to make sure I'm actually in the bathroom and not just dreaming about being in the bathroom, cause that could get ugly.

It's a terrible thing automatically waking up at 8am, and even though I immediately go back to sleep and, like today, wake up at 1:30, I still find it a bad habit. Although, I will say this: waking up at 8am on a Sunday and then realizing you can go back to sleep and sleep as long as you want is easily the most awesome realization in the world.

Oh god, and speaking of working a lot. Yesterday we had a bbq with all the people at work and my boss was talking about how it's important for people to keep their sex lives interesting and, fine, she was only doing it because one of my co-workers brought it up and she wanted all of us to think she was cool but, still....can I get a communal eeeeeeewwwwwww? Also, she kept mentioning her 'husband' and it's like sista, please, we all know you ain't married biatch. But other than that, she was actually kind of — dare I say this? — pleasant yesterday. Gasp. This, fortunately, does not mean I will stop putting a lot of effort into hating her.

- E

The Not List

2006-09-22T21:39:00.000-06:00

Here's a thing you should know about Chileans: we (yes, we) are all full of shit. Seriously, intensly full of shit. Millions of promises are made because it's what people think other people want to hear and nothing is done.

So, in honor of my people — and a vast and varied people we are — I present to you a list of things I plan on trying to NOT do while I am here. No false promises, just a whole lot of me not doing things.

— Pick the clothes up off the floor of my apartment. It's a matter of principle.
— Wash dishes before all of them run out. Only because I feel it might make my mom really, really happy if I did.
— Buy another thing of gas for my heater. Damn it, if I have to freeze to death I will but it's supposed to be spring.
— Go on a date with someone who calls me 'bebe.' This speaks for itself.
— Take a date to my cousin's wedding. Also a matter of principle and, you know, lack of resources.
— Accept any marriage proposals. I receive a plethera of them on a daily basis, in case you hadn't been paying attention.
— Make an effort to get along with my boss. Oh, if you knew her....
— Stop bitching about how I hate my boss. She seriously sucks.
— Stop making faces at my boss when her back is turned. Oh, if you knew her...
— Keep my books properly organized. Down with the system!
— Make out with someone on the subway. This is just gross. Everyone needs to stop. I can't express this sentiment enough.
— Put little hearts on a post-it, because as we've already established, it's just not my style. Or, is it?
— Say some really, really offensive shit about other humans really loudly on the subway. I don't wanna get into it because I'm still shocked, but one of my co-workers said this insanely offensive thing and I'm still trying to get over the fact that she exists.
— Start drinking rum regularly. This country is all ass-backwards. They should worship the rum cause it tastes like poo and drink the vodka cause it's delicious. (That's a reference to a Real World episode and if you can tell me which one and who said it, I'll give you a prize.)
— Start prefering peeled tomatoes to unpeeled ones. That's just weird and I won't have it.
— Get a mullet. A...mull...et...need I say more?
— Feel worse for homeless people than stray dogs. Those poor dogs. I mean, you'd have to see them. They're everywhere.
— Eat McDonald's again. Did it the other day and remembered why it's disgusting. I got a serious McTummy afterwards.
— Put someone else's email up on a public bathroom stall.......hahha NOT. I'm totally doing this one. Sucker.

I must say, that's a whole lot of nothing I'm doing, though. I'm really excited.

Any ideas for other must-not-dos?

Loves,
— E

Post-Independence or why I'm an awesome friend

2006-09-19T23:40:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of great things and, surprisingly, a good amount of terrible things about long holiday weekends. One of those terrible things is that now my sleeping schedule is out of whack and even though I know I'm going to want to die in 5 HOURS when I have to get up for work, right now I just can't sleep. Luckily for you that means I'm inspired to write some doo doo on this blog for you to read.

So, several things in no particular order that will probably make no sense to you. I'll try and number them for organizational purposes.

1. Independence day has come and gone and all I got out of it was an extra ten pounds in delicious meat and bread and things with onion in them. Mmmmm. I think I've eaten more in the last few days than in the last year combined. Hahahahaha....wait...Hahahaha...fine even I don't believe that one. But I did eat a lot and I had a full four day weekend, which was super duper awesome.

2. The whole eating thing would be really great if it wasn't for the fact that I was incessantly reminded that my cousin is getting married in a month and a half or so and, apparently, I have to look decent for this. In some sort of dress. Did I mention I am not the one getting married? Sometimes I have to remind myself.

3. Speaking of cousins and weddings I had this amazing alcohol-induced conversation with the future groom on Saturday that went something like this (translations are rough, specifically from memory, but I'll do my best):

Cousin: I'm really happy about everything. You know I'm really glad you're gonna be here for the wedding cause I feel like you're the representative for the family from the states.

Me: Um, yeah but [one of our aunts] will be here for the wedding so she can represent herself.

Cousin: [silence]... I mean I'm not dumb. I know that maybe....I mean that's why like I told you...you know maybe there's a guy or whatever that you maybe want to take to the wedding...that's why I asked if you were gonna bring someone...

Me: No, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go alone.

Cousin: Yeah? Cause I mean you know, let's be honest, like you go out you have your own thing going on. maybe there's someone.

Me: You know [his sister] is the one who started all of this date thing. Why do I have to take a date? I mean, I didn't even want to take a date from the beginning. I assumed we wouldn't take dates. I can go alone. I mean, whatever.

Cousin: No, of course. So, you're sure?

Me: Well, I mean, like, if I don't tell you in the next two weeks then I'm definitely, DEFINITELY going alone.

4. I realized the day after the conversation that the reason he insinuated I'm a slut is because they thought I was going on a date — not the time I actually went on a date but a time that I was sort of supposed to go on something like a date that wasn't actually a date at all and never even happened. Anyway, word spread about the non-date that they never actually found out didn't actually happen and so they think I'm dating, which realistically, I'm totally not. Also, I'm definitely going alone.

5. I was in Limache (small town like 2 hours out of Santiago) with some of the family from my father's side and they got into this whole conversation about 9/11 and about how the tsunami was actually a meteor and how the government is keeping secerets. How it came about I'm not sure, but I've made the decision that I am going to be pleading the 5th when it comes to conversations about 9/11 because everyone in this country is ignorant and has zero understanding of what that event was like. Nothing more needs to be said here, except that after this conversation I took a three hour nap and missed a hell of a lot of conspiracy theories.

6. I've come to a lot of decisions about things I would like to NOT do while I am here. I'll blog about this later, cause I could go on for years.

7. Remember Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car"? Tracy Chapman is like a god here. Isn't that kind of weird? That was totally a good song, though. I heard it on the radio today and I was like "yeah man, this song rocks." Then I realized I never actually knew the lyrics to it and I did that thing where I mumbled until the chorus came up and then I sang really loud but still pretended like I totally know all the lyrics. Then I got home and googled the lyrics and tried to memorize them for next time. Good song.

8. HOW GOOD IS PRISON BREAK?! I swear I have a major anxiety attack everytime I watch it. Although, I'm not caught up yet so no one tell me what's happened. Wentworth looks INCREDIBLE in that cream suit. I mean, very appropriately named color, now that I think about it.

9. A few days before Abby left, we did this amazing thing. I mean, truly, genuinely amazing. Possibly the best thing we have ever done. I'll explain how it came about. Abby, noticing how much shit people write all over public places in this city said to me on several different occassions: "We should put someone's email address on this [bus, wall, floor, tree, you name it, she requested it]." Then one day, as an awesomely amazing surprise we were at this diner at like 6 in the morning (imagine how that happened and you'll understand why I did it) and I was in this restroom and I looked at the stall and I remembered that I had a sharpie in my purse and I said to myself, Eugenia this is your chance to do the most amazing thing you've ever done. And, I did it. I put Mark Kelly's email address on the bathroom stall. Except, I put it up there wrong. Thankfully, I told Abby about it right away ["OH MY GOD, bathroom! take a picture. for real. hahahahaha. amazing. Mark's email cause I had a sharpie. what was it? huh? oh my god, go take the picture. hurry up" - you get the idea]. Thankfully she kind of understood me and went to explore and made the neccessary corrections and, well, I won't keep you waiting any longer....

I can only hope he gets as much out of this as I have.

And watch out friends with email addresses because now that I have tasted victory I cannot stop.

Loves,

- E

Mulgrew.com

2006-09-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

Although I am putting this into my links on the side of this page, I have to post about this character I've stumbled across because he destroys my life regularly. I suppose I feel like I owe it to him to advertise his crap on here. Although, I don't know him so I don't really owe him shit. And also, he gets like a bazillion more hits then I do, so it's not like he needs the help. And, who the hell does he think he is acting like I owe him something anyway? Jackass.

Um, so check out Jason Mulgrew cause he's funny and also reminds me a little bit of Karl Pilkington which is just damn hilarious.

Gotta spread the love and the funny,

- E

Espresso! (What the hell is that?)

2006-09-12T20:48:00.000-06:00

Remember two posts ago when I mentioned this dumbass secretary had put litlle hearts on my post-it?...Well, scroll down and read it you lazy bastard. It's right there.

Anyhoo, this secretary is like the nightmare that doesn't end. Today she did the most ridiculous thing that, honestly, embarrasses me as a woman in the free world.

So, we started class, meaning two of my four students and I were in the conference room of this office and the door was closed because - as far as anyone outside of the conference room knew - we had started class. Class had started! Clear? Good...So, suddenly the door opens and homegirl walks in - in like a really inappapropriate-for-work skirt, might I add - with ONE coffee made especially for this student of mine knowing there were three of us in there. A coffee, mind you, that he DID NOT ask her for. A coffee, mind you, that was excessive because he had already gone to get his own coffee. And it wasn't some lame ass plastic cup coffee either. It was like a fancy espresso (what the hell is that?) in a fancy cup. Someone please tell me, WHO IS THIS WOMAN? I mean she strolls in and then shakes her ass all out of the classroom like genuinely proud of what she had just blatantly done. I don't think I have ever been more embarrassed for another person, with the exception of myself in the ninth grade because I was, oh, just about as childish and mildly retarded as this secretary ho. In the ninth grade! When I was 15!

Some of you may be saying, "But Eugenia, it was just a coffee," and to those people I say, fuck you. Seriously. I mean, little hearts and then a special made coffee? These are the kinds of tactics you use when you're in high school. Grown ass people don't behave like this. At least not where I come from.

And where is that, you ask?

Planet earth, friends. Planet fucking earth. Where real people live.

She's totally making women everywhere look bad. Also, she's not even all that cute. I do have to admit I would totally allow this kind of shit if she was like a hunchback freak or something. Cause that would just be awesome. But, sadly not. Honestly, next class I wouldn't be surprised if homegirl resorted to punching this dude in the face or pulling his hair.

Do other people understand my distress or am I totally alone on this one? C'mon!

Seriously.

- E

Seasonal Babies

2006-09-11T09:45:00.000-06:00

My whole life I thought I was a fall baby. Born in the fall and destined to always have a birthday at the beginning of the school year when no one really cares. I resigned myself to this thought. I took on the role of a fall baby: a little chilly but not ice cold, starting to whither away but not completely gone, fall colors were my colors and the world seemed right.

But, today I stumbled accross some very interesting thoughts. I´m actually not a fall baby at all. Because here in the southern hemisphere we have opposite seasons, I, Eugenia Salvo, am a spring baby. A spring baby! I mean this really changes my view on the world. I wasn´t born at the beginning of the school year, I was born almost at the end. That time of the year when people kind of care. This is seriously life altering. I mean, can you imagine me as - gasp, can I even say it? - a spring person? Spring! The season of new life and whatnot.

This could prove to be a very interesting experience after all.

- E

Hearts on a post-it

2006-09-07T21:19:00.000-06:00

As far as I can tell September 18th seems to be the most ridiculously important day in all of Chile. Independance day — or according to the TV at the subway station, the day we celebrate the first government forming (and not actually Chile's independance from Spain) — is fast approaching. All I've been hearing lately is people talking about barbeques and flags, and independance, and getting drunk when there are kids around. I'd like to say I'm excited about all of those things and I am, but I'm mostly excited about getting two days off of work.

In the mean time, the following ridiculous thing has happened to me:

[Long story short] I left one of my students (who takes classes in a group at their office) a post-it on his desk and one of the secretaries thought it would be HILARIOUS to put little hearts on it. So, for two days this poor man thought I was freakish enough to try to seduce him with little hearts on a post-it and everyone in the office knew about it and also thought it was HILARIOUS. Then they finally told him it wasn't me, which I suppose was awfully nice of them. Needless to say Eugenia didn't hear about it until a week and a half later. Guess which two people in this story didn't actually think the whole thing was hilarious?

Seriously, who would put LITTLE HEARTS ON A POST-IT? I mean, I'm just saying. I bet she did it with like a pink pen, too.

On a side note, my students are great sometimes and I totally adore this group. So, it was all good. We awkwardly laughed about it and then we agreed that little hearts on a post-it isn't really my 'style' and then we watched The Office.

little hearts,
- E

Chile, the modern world

2006-09-04T22:11:00.000-06:00

There's this thing about the subway here in Santiago: it's clean. I mean really, really clean. There's no grafitti, there's no garbage and even the dirtiest of the dirty bastards will put away his wrapper/can when he's done instead of throwing it on the floor. I think I've gotten so used to it that I forget how truly remarkable this thing is. The same people who can't figure out how to run a proper bus system or install a damn telephone in less than a month have this incredible subway system that's kind of pleasant to be on. It shocks me still how a country can be so dysfunctional and yet, so logical.

This morning on my way to work I remembered how remarkable this whole Chilean subway system is. They now have TVs IN the subway car. Please take a moment to imagine my amazement as I sat mouth agape, staring at Olivia Newton John and John Travolta in that lovely scene from Grease where they both, covered in tight leather things, lovingly proclaim "You're the one that I want." Does riding the subway get any better than that? Between that and old school Madonna videos, Shakira looking busted in her MTV Unplugged performance and some guy singing along loudly to Eric Clapton's "Change The World," I may never get off of the subway again.

New York, Phildelphia: please take note. Dirty, smelly ass subway = bad. Clean, video-showcasing subway = good.

Loves,

- E

The Crocodile Hunter

2006-09-03T23:59:00.000-06:00

I'm still slightly in shock about this, and although I always joked that homeboy was crazy as all hell and was totally gonna get himself killed one day, I didn't think it would actually happen. But, it's true folks. The crocodile hunter has died.

Two comments:
1. A stingray? I'd like for him to have been killed by something a little cooler. I mean the man did shove his face into some pretty freaky animals. A stingray seems so...well, like a stingray. Who knew those things were deadly anyway?
2. This might seem insensitive, but I mean it in the most honorable way possible... Crikey!

Man, I'm really sad about this. I can't lie.

- E

2006-09-01T09:21:00.000-06:00

I hesitate to tell this story, but sources stronger than I decided it must be told, and so, who am I to argue?

So, I went on this date. The details leading up to the date are kind of relevant but not the kind of details that one would share over the internet when one knows that ones parents will be reading them. So, we´ll say this: it was evening, there was a bar, telephone numbers were exchanged. The rest you can just make-up.

Anyhoo, I went on this date. Unwillingly. Fine, willingly but I was convinced it was a good idea by sources stronger than I (namely Abby and my cousin Claudia) and so I went. It was a Tuesday and we met at 9:30 at - get this - the mall (!) to see a movie. We saw Click. It was awful. yadda yadda yadda, I never want to see him again. ....Haha! You thought I´d skip over all the good parts, but you were wrong. Please let me give you some highlights of things that this gentleman did/said while we were on this date.

- When we met in front of the theatre he was with these people who then rudely left right as I arrived. He told me they were friends of his sister´s and then he said "They asked me if I was here to meet my girlfriend..." (silence on my part for fear of what was coming next) ... "I told them 'something like that'" ... ... ... um, something like that!?

- Although when we met he had a drink IN HIS HAND he felt compelled to tell me that he had been in treatment for alcohol abuse/depression. Yes, that´s right.

- His father has eight children, from four different mothers and is expecting his ninth with a thirty year old woman. The man is 68.

- He told me that when (WHEN!) I meet his father, I will really like him.

- He told me all of his siblings have kids except him and his sister that´s gay and then he told me that he lives with his brother...who is gay. Am I going insane?

- At some point during the end of the movie, he told me he was crying. During Click. Click! Crying! Kill me.

- He kept staring at me and I´d be like "WHAT?!" and then at some point the following conversation occurs:
me: WHAT?!
him: I just want to look at you. I can´t look at you?
me: um, no. You can´t.
him: (long pause) can I ask you a question?
me: (long pause) um, what?
him: why are you so beautiful?
me: ... ... ...
him: you´re not going to answer me?
me: um, no I´m trying to watch the movie. sssshhhh.

- He kissed my forehead. Does that seem like something you do to someone who is over five and NOT your daughter or niece?

- He asked me if my students bother me about being so pretty and when I responded with "My students are all professionals and they´re married and have children" he replied with "Well, do people on the street bother you?"...What?!

- He called me to make sure I got home okay AND the next day at like 2pm when I told him very politely I was working and couldn´t talk and then he called me 'bebe' and said he´d call later. BE-BE!

Also, he had made me a copy of a Morrissey DVD and later when I watched it I realized he looks a little like Morrissey. Guess which DVD I am never watching again?

Man, this is what my life has become. Attracting the freaks. Although it seems like a step up from repelling, it´s not really.

Also, Abby went on a date that was almost identical (i.e. they went to the movies at the mall) except her guy was really nice and dressed in a suit - which was totally a goal for her while she was here - and then he didn´t call her again.

And that my friends is the life of a single girl in her 20s. And then my family wonders why I insist that I will NOT be falling in love and getting married while I am here.

Ugh,

- E

Garivalpo

2006-08-30T22:23:00.000-06:00

Abby and I (as most of the next few stories will begin) spent a long weekend in Valparaiso, Chile - a port city about an hour and a half or so outside the capital of Santiago. This being a long weekend and all, there were quite a few people roaming around the city on long weekend vacations that wouldn't normally be there, except not really all that many, but anyhoo...we found this really lovely bed and breakfast on one of the many hills that make up the city of Valparaiso and when we got there the only room that was left was - get this - the matrimonial suite. All fine and dandy, except for the fact that I'm pretty sure the lady who owned the place thought we were lesbians. Like hardcore lesbians.

Here's a picture of the very lovely matrimonial suite at the Garivalpo.

The funny thing about the whole experience was that after realizing that we were at a bed and breakfast with a bunch of couples and that the owner thought we were two big lesbos, everything became HILARIOUS in that context of the people outside who thought we were lesbians. Like, if one of us took a long shower, that was funny. Or if one of us threw a shoe at the wall, that was funny. Or if we took a picture of us in the bed - me with a towel on my head that looks like a turban - that shit was funny too. Eventually it extended to everything we did back in Santiago. If we shared food at a restaurant - "two big lesbos." If one of us held onto the other so as not to die on the subway - "two big lesbos." We spent quite a bit of time entertaining ourselves with that one, let me tell you.

All in all, Valparaiso was a good time.

- E

p.s. I'm totally gonna get a lot of hits on this entry because I used the word lesbians. I'm excited to see what turns up.

Monday to Friday

2006-08-30T22:08:00.000-06:00

Before I start to get into the juicy details and identical dates that happened while Abby was here, let me tell you this.

I have this really nice former student who I see every Monday and Wednesday even though I don't teach that group anymore. Anyway, the other day he was telling me about how he lives two hours out of the city but works in the city. Our conversation went something like this:

me: "Wait, you live outside of Santiago?"
student: "Yes."
Me: "Wait, so when you get out of class at 9pm, you drive TWO HOURS to get home? What the hell is wrong with you?"
student: "No, during the week I live in Santiago."
me: "OH! So you're only home on the weekends?"
student: "Yes." ...(pauses and then kind of leans into me)... "From Monday to Friday I'm single."
me: ........"yeah, i think that's my cue to leave."

at which point we all laughed and then I told him I was going to call his wife and we all laughed some more. Later on I gave him these two cookies that I had left from the ones I bought for my students to munch on during class.

Today he brought me a package of cookies and I told him he was a very sweet man to which he replied "You didn't think so on Monday," (which, granted, I thought was kind of endearing) and I laughed and said "no, I know it was a joke. it was funny." and we laughed again.

Later on when I tell you about one of the two identical dates, you will sort of come to understand why this story is so especially funny.

My students are weird.

Loves,
- E

Guess Who?

2006-08-28T21:22:00.000-06:00

My god friends, I almost didn't make it.

One entire month later (!) I finally got a phone and internet service in my very posh Santiago apartment. By now, no one reads this damn thing anymore, but I'll be damned if I give up on it.

As it happes, I have many many things to tell. One of those things is that I HATE the phone company, but you already knew that. Another is that since the last time I wrote on this blog Abigail Salas has come and gone. She left just yesterday and as predicted, many a good time was had and many a laughable adventure occured, including us nicknaming one of my doormen "cherub" and everyone in the city of Valparaiso thinking we were two big lesbos (more on that soon). Either way, there are stories to tell and dirty laundry to air out and an occassional picture. And now that I have internet again I'll be posting regularly (promise).

Also, the guy who sells ham near my apartment does not ask me how much ham I want in weight but rather how many slices I want and I truly kind of want to marry him. Although he's a happily married man and Abby is a slut and totally flirted with him. Shameless.

- E

This picture kind of sums up the whole thing. Missing that bastard already.

2006-08-01T13:23:00.000-06:00

My brother insists that I post this. I suppose I cannot argue with him.

I think he does it so he can get more face time on my blog.

Good job.

- E

2006-08-01T13:13:00.000-06:00

If I thought the cell phone company was bad, it's pretty clear the regular phone/internet company is, oh, about thirty times worse. So, I still have no internet at home and that makes it especially difficult for me to be clever and witty on this blog on a regular basis. That being said, it should happen sometime this week and then I'll be back to my normal antics. Trust me, I have plenty to complain about.

AND, the one and only Abigail Salas will be making her appearance in Santiago de Chile in the very, very near future (like, Friday, which some of my students are oddly very excited about - they´ve asked me for pictures) so there will be many a story to tell, most of which I probably won't be able to blog about but I'll allude to them nonetheless.

Yay.

Loves,
- E

2006-07-07T11:14:00.000-06:00

I might be out of comission for a few days, since I am moving. Which means I'll have an excuse for being a lazy blogger.

Try and live without me. Please.

Loves,
E

Get It?

2006-07-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

Have any of you ever stopped to think about how much we use the verb 'get'? Stop and think about it for a second. See if you can come up with some kind of rule to explain when, where, how and why we use get. If you have some kind of epiphany, let me know. I have thought about this almost all day today. And, it's been a relatively happy day. Surprisingly so. Even having a conversation with my boss and hearing her say (half an hour before my class started) that EVERYONE was late today...even that didn't bring me down.

Something pleasant in the water, I guess.

cigarrettes and chocolate milk,
- E

Independent Eugenia Day

2006-07-04T21:10:00.000-06:00

As it turns out, Independence Day was quite eventful. In fact, I kind of made it my own.

As of this afternoon I officially have my very own rented, Chilean apartment. Kind of like a very own rented, American apartment but significantly cheaper. It's actually in the same building where one of my aunts lives, so there's that. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing really, but now anyone that wants to make it down to Chile for a visit will (hopefully) have a couch they can call home.

The best part of the whole adventure though was meeting the owner of the apartment to sign the contract. Really nice guy but of course at some point in the conversation (after he told me I could sneak guys into the apartment without my aunt knowing) he says to me "So, do you have a boyfriend?" and when the response is no he says "Oh, well, did you leave any broken hearts in the states?" If this wasn't a conversation I have with my uncle ONCE A WEEK it would be much more amusing than annoying, but that is not the case. It's nice that everyone in Chile reminds me that I am still repelling men. That makes me feel at home.

Anyhoo, I have an apartment! In Chile! What kind of crazy shit is that? Party up at my place, y'all. Be there or be square.

Yeah boooooyyyy,
- E

And America Hearts Me

2006-07-03T08:58:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is Indepedence Day and I´ve been trying to think of some ways to celebrate. Kevin Lo suggested yesterday that I burn an American flag because it´s still legal to do so and I added that maybe I should run into the American embassy, burn the flag and then run out but we both agreed that they probably won´t get the joke. Plus I´m not big on fires being near my person. Specifically ones that I start because I´m much more likely to catch on fire that way. And I am quite burnable.

So, the question is, what is a girl to do on Independence day when the damn day lands on a Tuesday and she is about a thousand miles away in a country that couldn´t care less?

I consired putting together a red, white and blue outfit but that idea will backfire for the following two reasons: 1) chile´s flag is also red, white and blue and 2) my mother will - without a doubt - make a comment about how ridiculous I look.

My final thought was that I should just forget it all together since I´ve never done anything particularly special for the fourth of July, except last year when I, um, went to Live 8 and got a really bad shoulder tan. That was relatively eventful.

Oh, and Abby lost her identity. That was memorable as well.

But nothing else that I can think of.

So, I think it will be the usual for me this July 4th, unless someone can think of something more awesome and less likely to get me arrested than burning a flag at the embassy.

I heart America,
- E

Near Death Experiences

2006-06-30T21:16:00.000-06:00

Today I almost died. A giant truck came speeding around the corner as i was crossing the street and, no joke, stopped just barely 4 or 5 inches from me. My only reaction was to put my hand up as if to say "sista, please" and look at the truck in a slightly annoyed manner. For a moment I really thought I could stop the truck with my hand and immediately after the event I had the following two thoughts:

- Man, can't believe I just thought I was going to stop this stupid truck with just my hand. Who do I think I am, Superman?

- Hmmmm, I wonder if the new Superman movie comes out in Chile this week.

If I had died my last thought would have been about the new Superman movie. I need to acknowlegde my cat-like reflexes and to appreciate how important my life has been to me that when I am faced with death I think about something completely insignificant. I don't even like Superman! Then when I told people about 'the incident' later on you can take a wild guess what they said...."Oh, you have to be careful." Did I mention anywhere that I was THROWING MYSELF AT SPEEDING TRUCKS? No sir, I don't believe I did.

That's all I have to say about that.

- E

p.s. The guy who was standing next to me on the corner before I almost died was totally fighting with the truck driver about it afterwards because I — being a freak and at the same time totally freaked out — just kept crossing the street. I just want to say I appreciate that guy because he really gave that truck driver a piece of my mind, except for the Superman bit. He kept that to himself, thankfully.

Yellow Panties

2006-06-28T22:10:00.000-06:00

Neal Pollack is a doll. Please humor me by reading some of this.

So, I keep hearing about this very strange thing people do as a tradition for New Years here in Chile. By 'people' I mean mostly women. And by 'keep hearing' I mean I've been told twice. But, moving on, I hear it's a tradition to wear yellow panties for New Years. It's supposed to bring good luck or something, which makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Can anyone explain this? I mean other things are really stupid but have some logic behind them, but yellow panties? I can't even fathom what that might be about. It's probably something like how I used to wear camel-colored underwear for luck. I'm pretty sure there was some logic behind that action but god knows I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Although I have the vague sense it has some relation to the fact that some slutty girl I know was sick one day and kept saying 'cabel' instead of 'camel.' That seems to ring a bell.

Anyhoo, I got to thinking, I don't own any yellow underwear! I have tons of other colors including about eight variations of gray/black (it goes with everything!) but I don't have even one yellow panty. This poses two problems. One, now that I have been made aware that I don't own yellow underwear, I want a pair. And two, something about buying underwear in this country just doesn't seem appealing to me. I'm sure it's the same shit they use in the states but for some reason I just don't trust it. Plus, they have not yet reached the low-rise-bikini-brief stage of underwear technology and that is unacceptable.

On a related note, I got into a conversation with a group of students the other day on men's boxer briefs. Gentlemen, I am telling you now — from the extensive research that I have done — that women in general prefer men to wear boxer briefs. It also helps if you're like this giant Swedish/Chilean guy who is not at all — but somehow still completely — attractive.....Um, I mean, it helps if you're tall. So, get some BBs and some height and you're all set. Go to it, boys.

Da da da,
- E

Lazy Blogger, will you get up?

2006-06-26T21:22:00.000-06:00

Man, have I been lazy with my blogging or what? Well, in all fairness, my mother and younger brother arrived last week and I've been plenty busy trying to keep from killing them since then. No, I'm kidding, I love them.

Here are some quotes from my mom in the past couple of days so that you can understand just how much I love her:

"You have something in your hair. It looks weird...oh, I think it's just dirty."

"Your jeans are torn at the bottom. That's how I used to wear them when I was in college."

"Did you say goodbye to everybody? You're not going to see them again today."

"Oh, that's so nice of him. Did you say thank you?"

Come to think of it, all of those were just today. Goodtimes.cl.

Oh, speaking of today, guess who is only now enjoying the fruits of the Catholic church's labor? That would be, uh, moi. Today was some real Catholic holiday (St. Peter and St. Paul Day) and I got the day off. Not-so-oddly everytime someone mentioned St. Peter and St. Paul today I thought about Peter, Paul and Mary and was surprised that my mother did not make that same connection and start singing one of their songs. I suppose she was too busy thinking about what was wrong with my face and wondering whether or not I had bothered to acknowledge the existence of others.

Her loss.

- E

p.s. i can totally blog about her now because she's here and she's probably not reading this. haHA!

Filthy Hilarious

2006-06-20T22:23:00.000-06:00

There is this thing that happens on pretty much every bus ride here and that is that someone gets on the bus either selling something completely useless or asking for money. Occassionally they try to entertain you with some ridiculous thing and usually they fail. And it's not that I care if they use the money for drugs or for new sneakers or if they take the money and eat it, it's just that if I start giving money then I will feel guilty for not giving everyone money and then I'll spend all of my goddamn coins feeding people's drug and/or coin eating habits. So, I've been sticking to my guns on this policy that I will not give money to people that come on the bus asking for it, unless of course they're selling something I have some interest in — but that almost never happens.

Today, though, I broke the seal. This completely filthy but hilarious looking guy came on the bus with his guitar and started singing this song about the government and how they're screwing everybody over and blah blah blah. I'm sure he took this very seriously and, actually, he had a really good singing voice, but for whatever reason I found the whole spectacle incredibly funny. I felt obligated to give the guy some money because I was genuinely entertained and he seemed really grateful in an I'm-crazy-and-on-drugs way and I loved it. Although now I'm kind of pissed because I'm going to have to start developing a whole system of selection in order to decide who I can and can't give money too and knowing myself this will involve a lot of time and effort.

I suppose I am just a sucker for a man with a guitar.

On a side note, I FINALLY found a student that understands my Seinfeld references and now I can rest in peace.

Is anyone disturbed by the things that disturb me in life? It's tough to see them in print, I gotta tell ya.

Loves,
E

Eye Hair

2006-06-16T13:15:00.000-06:00

I've been giving a lot of thought to what I miss the most about the US and I've decided on one thing: eyebrow threading. Lately I've been walking around looking like I have gorilla eyebrows because I'm too lazy to pluck them and waxing, in comparison to threading, sucks a lot.

For those of you unfamiliar with this brilliant method of eye hair removal, here's a pic:

It looks terribly painful, but it's not all that bad. Anyway, what makes the situation worse is not that I can't find an eyebrow threading place or that NO ONE has ever heard of eyebrow threading in this country, but that my mother is constantly telling me when she goes to get her eyebrows threaded and how great it is and how much better it is then waxing. And, THAT situation wouldn't be so stressing if it wasn't for the fact that I was the one who tried for like a year to convince her to get her eyebrows threaded because it was better and she refused and now SHE is all going to get her eyebrows threaded all the time while I am stuck here looking like an ape and being too lazy to do anything about it.

So, that's what I miss the most. For now.

Loves,
- E

P.S. My mother and little brother arrive in Chile in five days. And counting.

Brothers and ham and soccer, oh my.

2006-06-13T22:12:00.000-06:00

Few things to blog about today.

First, I did it again. Ooops.

Before this morning, I hadn't purchased any deli products in a long time. But, today I felt like a turkey sandwich and before I realized it, I was headed to my aunt's house with enough turkey to feed a small African country. DAMN IT KILOS!

Second, the other day — and in light of all the rain that had fallen — a co-worker and I were discussing things that we missed about the states. He said he misses 'proper drainage systems' (although that specific vocabulary was mine and not his) and I don't remember what I said I missed the most but I'm guessing I mumbled something like "farentheit, pounds and a lack of physical affection." Later him and another co-worker discussed the fact that I am grouchy and complain about everything and, actually, that conversation was quite enjoyable for me.

Third, World Cup Fever is in full effect and I have no option but to suck it up and enjoy it. This weekend alone I watched FOUR soccer games and that is about four more than I've watched in my whole life. That being said, some of them were kind of fun and all of them were more exciting than watching football. Although, the US sucked a lot and since everyone thinks I am their official US representative they have to make comments and ask me questions about American sports. The best thing ever was realizing the other day that I was actually explaining baseball to one of my students. Me! Explaining baseball! Who have I become?

Lastly, because I will do anything to please my brothers, the eldest of the two has taken to complaining that he doesn't get as much content on this blog as everyone else (namely Abby who he is oh-so-jealous of) and so here is something to soothe the pain of living without me:

My brother on why the premise of Cars is stupid: "Cars with human characteristics is just a dumb idea. it doesn't work. it leaves too many un answered questions... like 'who makes the cars?'

Me on why other things don't make sense either: "oh yeah cause talking toys...that makes a ton of sense. or animals."

My brother not letting go of his point: "you forgot monsters. completely made up monsters make more sense than talking cars. like through out the movie the cars kept using foot peddles to control things... and i kept thinking... 'who makes the foot peedles?' they have no opposable thumbs.... no opposable thumbs people... they can't hold things!"

It is important to note that he thinks rats with human characteristics are significantly more believable. And there you have it people. Logic at it's best.

Goodnight and good luck.

- E

Engagement FEVAH!

2006-06-09T12:12:00.000-06:00

As of earlier this week, not one but TWO of my friends are now engaged. I say two because we'll just go ahead and say that each couple counts as one friend — that kind of makes me feel better.

Anyway, not that I'm not happy for them both, because — Mark and Vic, Karla and Laz, I totally am — but who is running around getting engaged?! I mean WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! Seriously.

Here are the circumstances under which you are telling me this news:
- my mother has decided she wants to be a grandmother and guess who she is looking at to fulfill that wish
- my mother has also decided that I have to get married before I have children
- every weekend without fail my uncle says to me "what if you fall in love with a Chilean guy and get married?"
- once a week without fail someone else in my family says to me "what if you fall in love with a Chilean guy and get married?"
- i have no interest in getting married.

The way I see it, once my friends start getting married it's all downhill for me. After I start going to weddings I will have to start going to baby showers and then to see babies and then more baby showers and probably more weddings and, let's face it, an occasional divorce party (do people have those?). Before any of you realize it I will be old and still too self-involved for children or husbands.

On that note, I am terribly upset with both Mark Kelly and Victoria Cancelli. One because Mark did not tell me he was planning to propose. Clearly these things have to be run by Eugenia BEFORE they happen and two because Cancelli did not even send me an email or something to tell me but instead told abby and let it filter down. We all know Abby doesn't listen to anything anyone else says and, damn it, if I want details I have to get them firsthand.

But, I am very excited for you jerks and definitely relieved that the big news was not "Victoria is pregnant" which for whatever crazy reason we all assumed was the news even though you guys are totally super Catholic and don't have sex ever so how would that have happened?

Anyway, here are some engagement ring pictures for all of you suckers to gawk at so that I'm not the only one being pressured to find a husband at 23 years of age. Thanks to my family for being a giant pain in the ass and congratulations to all four of the fiancées.

(sidebar: I don't have a picture of Mark and Vic together because they hate each other and never take pictures together. What's with that you guys?)

This is the Cancelli/Kelly ring (oh my god, that sounds dreadful. please don't hyphenate your name.)

This is Karla and Laz on the day their ring was picked up after alterations.

I hope you are all completely mortified that I have published these photos and be prepared because I am already mentally preparing the toasts I will give at your respective weddings.

Congrats you fuckers.

- E

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day

2006-06-08T21:50:00.000-06:00

Santiago has this very serious contamination problem. From what I understand the problem is that the city is surrounded by mountains and because of this the air doesnt go up, it just kind of sits. The only time air is released and is therefore (slightly) cleaner is when it rains. This helps explain why all I've heard from people in the last couple of months is "I hope it rains," or "We really need some rain," or "I can't wait until it rains."

Well, they're all bunch of morons. I hate rain. It's inconvenient and cold. I liked rain when I was a kid and I would walk home from school in the fall or the spring when it was hot and it would rain and the water was cold. Then rain was kind of fun, especially since I had no problems with running around and splashing in the rain that very quickly gathered on the street which now makes me think...eeeww, that water is disgusting. But then I was innocent enough to believe water only cleaned things.

Aaaaaaanyway, it's winter here and the rain is cold as all hell and umbrellas do nothing but make us feel like we're protected. Frankly, I prefer the smog and all of the long-term effects of breathing in that nastiness. But, it's been raining for the last couple of day — A LOT — and now the whole damn city is flooded and I have to carry my stupid umbrella around and wear boots even though they don't help and cry cry cry. The worst part is that everyone here is complaining about it when CLEARLY it's all their fault. UGH. What I think happened is that they were doing a communal rain dance in their heads and now they've angered the gods. (You've angered the gods people of Santiago!) It's not gonna stop now. The only end I see in sight is my own. I hope they're all enjoying their stupid clean air.

I hate the rain.

- E

2006-06-07T22:50:00.000-06:00

Will post very interesting things tomorrow when I'm not quite as dead from exhaustion. In the meantime chew on this:

Saw Matchpoint today and now I'm totally digging Johnathan Rhys Meyers. Johanssen sucked in it. Anyone else digging the fella and feeling totally disturbed by it? He's like the poor man's Colin Farrell but not a dirty whore and he's got that Joaquin Phoenix strange mouth thing going for him and he may or may not be gay. You decide which of those things you think are attractive if any.

Lovin' him though. Can't explain why.

- E

Three Things

2006-06-01T21:44:00.000-06:00

Three completely ridiculous things happened to me today that are all worth sharing.

First, remember when I mentioned how I thought it would be fun to protest after I saw that high school kids were protesting for free standardized testing? Well, they are STILL protesting for the same shit except now it's escalated like a billion times and the whole city has gone insane. The kids are really well-organized and are marching around and yelling things but most are not doing much more than that. Unfortunately the police think we are still living in the 70s and have resorted to throwing tear gas and hosing the kids (and anyone who happens to be nearby) with cold ass water. This is mostly happening downtown where, it just so happens, I had to go teach this afternoon. Luckily I didn't have to run to avoid tear gas, hoses, and closed subway stations but I just barely made it out of the downtown area before chaos broke out. The city has been like this pretty much all week and I'm surprised the smell and contamination downtown didn't kill me today.

Second, after I narrowly escaped the madness this old man on the train started talking to me randomly (which those of you who know me know is an incredibly common occurence for me) and I did something I have always wanted to do: I kept my headphones on with my music playing and I pretended I could hear what he was saying by just smiling and nodding but I have NO CLUE what he was talking about. Then I felt kind of bad and took off the headphones and he was in the middle of some story about some thief who got beat up. That's as much as I could decipher. He asked me where I was going and what I do and then when my stop came up he actually asked me where it is I work so he could visit me. And i was like....uh....and then the doors closed. People are so weird.

Then, the last and most amazing thing was that after the old man incident I changed trains and on this new train there was this teenage couple making out. Not making out but like MAKING OUT. I swear these people were going at it so intensly she must have been chewing on his eyeball via his throat. So, we're all trying really hard not to look at them although they're standing basically in front of me and all of a sudden... biatch just faints. I mean, just boom! on the floor. (Sidebar: my aunt thinks she prob ran out of air from all the making out and well I do know that people can run out of air from laughing *cough*Karla*cough* so I think it's likely). Anyhoo, she woke up right away and then her boyfriend carried her out and it was all very romantic. or not. But, I got this great idea that they should have filmed the whole thing and then started a public service announcement to get people to stop making out on public transportation. Like, show the video and then say "This is what happens when you make out on public transportation! Get a room!" I bet it would work.

Any thoughts?

- E

The Sickness Is Mine

2006-05-30T21:16:00.000-06:00

There's this terrible thing about being sick that I think is possibly worse than the actual act of being sick: the fact that everyone you speak to immediately has some ridiculous solution to your ailment that you either already did or couldn't possibly care less about.

I'll give you a perfect example. This evening when I arrived for my 6:45 class, I found one of my co-workers outside smoking a cigarrette. Or rather, he had a lit cigarrette in his hand and a tissue held to his nose.

"What's the matter?" I said.
"My nose is bleeding," he said. And what was my reply?
"Oh, you have to hold your head back so that it stops bleeding."

Don't you just hate me right now? Cause I do. But, it's completely unavoidable. Your first instinct as a human is not to help the other person but merely to be right. As if you — and only you — know how to cure whatever it is that is wrong with this other person. Because, clearly, 'put your head back'? — that is some damn fine (and brand new) advice. He'd never heard that one before.

But, there's a part to this story that makes me a much worse and predictable person. I have this shitty cold and for the last couple of days, at least 4 or 5 times a day my students, my family, and my co-workers have been advising me on what I should and shouldn't do to help my cold. What they don't realize is that, in the end, it's a damn cold and it will go away on its own as long as I'm not running around naked in ice puddles. So, whatever they tell me I should buy (and trust me I already have a list of about 10 things that have been recommended to me) I'm not going to do it. There's a reason there is no cure for the common cold and that's because THERE'S NO CURE, PEOPLE! Doesn't matter if I stand on my head and recite the alphabet backwards while rubbing Vick's on my forehead, this shit will not go away until it wants to. That being said, I've had to drink at least 4 hot lemon waters with honey in the last two days. I'm too sick to argue anymore. Now I just smile and nod and tell everyone I'll go out right away and buy whatever dumbass thing they think will work. And then I run over to other sick people and tell them how to get rid of their hiccups and nosebleeds because, in the end, I'm only human folks. And, damn it, I want to be right all the time too.

Runny noses,
- E

Boobigail Day.

2006-05-29T22:07:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Abigail Salas. Also, happy day to remember when we saw Keenan at SNL and you were like "OMG! keeeeeeenan!" in a yelled whisper to me as he walked past us. Also, happy day to remember I am completely responsible for the existence of this picture. Also, happy day to remember Keenan's ghetto ass friends and the fact that he was probably high. But, mostly HAPPY BIRTHDAY you son of a bitch (no offense to your mother).

Also, this will be the last birthday that I publish because this shit is getting old AND it's all down hill after I put up an awesome picture of Keenan. So, unless you can somehow wing a picture of yourself with Keenan AND Kel, no one will care about your birthday on this blog. Except me. I care about things when I'm not being all dead inside.

Yay!

Loves,
- E

Waiting for Godot.

2006-05-26T20:33:00.000-06:00

I had this really interesting conversation with one of my students the other day about Chile having a woman president and how much the culture does not reflect that fact. It's too bad I can't stream it here for you because, trust me, I said some intelligent things. But anyhoo...

All I've done since I arrived in this country is wait. I'm not sure how anyone gets anything done here. It's exactly like being at Disney World in the summer — where you have to wait an hour to get on any ride — except everyone here is a grouchy bitch. On any given day I spend endless amounts of minutes waiting for buses, students, buses, subways, bank tellers, cousins to get out of the shower, food, my next class, my co-workers, CD players to work properly, heaters to start working, the internet to stop being fucked up, buses, my boss to stop talking....I could go on. It's not that I didn't wait for things in the states, it's just that I didn't wait quite as much or quite as often just to be greeted by grouchy bitches. All I'm saying is, I know being a bank teller sucks (been there, done that), but do you think I LIKE waiting in line for an hour?! I mean, does that seem like a fun thing for me to do? No. But do I show up to the window acting like a bitch? No again.

I'm thinking the whole country needs to go through some customer service training and I would be very willing to conduct it. The rules would be similar to the following:

Rule #1 Stop being grouchy bitches.
Rule #2 You work in CUSTOMER SERVICE you jerks. Provide some damn service.
Rule #3 I understand that you hate your life but, um, don't make me hate mine.
Rule #4 No one should have to wait in line for an hour on the second floor at the bank when there are 'client only' tellers doing NOTHING downstairs.
Rule #5 Learn the meaning of the word efficient.
Rule #6 How can you be such pleasant humans when you are not working and such terrible customer service representatives. Balance that kindness out, kids. Balance it out.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand scene.
- E

2006-05-25T10:21:00.000-06:00

Banana phone needs no introduction.!

Psychology

2006-05-23T20:46:00.000-06:00

Since I've been in Chile I've met at least three people who are psychologists or studying psychology. Not sure how you feel about it, but to me that seems like a lot. So, in honor of them we're going to play a little word/phrase association game. Actually, it doesn't count because I'm thinking up the words and phrases myself and so really I'm only including ones that I care to mention and blatantly leaving out things I have no opinion or thoughts on whatsoever. So, this basically has nothing to do with psychology at all, but I thought it would be fun. Here goes...

bus drivers: should never wink at me. ever.

beans: is it neccessary to eat them every other day?

gas: often caused by beans. also, not only uncomfortable but very inconvenient.

foreign internet: the purpose of internet is for it to work, not for it to not work, right?

business people: i hate them more and more each day.

drinking games: something an english student would enjoy, don't you think?

jodie foster: not that I didn't love the fact that Kofi Annan spoke at our graduation, but why do we have to be in between Bono and Jodie Foster? that seems unfair. damn you, university of pennsylvania!

wentworth miller: gay or not? what do you think?

jewish chileans: there's like 10 of them and i've already met half! incredible.

8am: should not exist.

the difference between 'fuck up' and 'fuck off': one of those things you really don't analyze much until someone asks you about it.

meat: much better than beans.

the da vinci code: why do i hate it and really want to see it at the same time? UGH.

baby wipes: can be used for faces or butts. versatile little things, aren't they?

the fact that abby keeps talking about the finale of will and grace: makes me question her tastes and sanity at the same time.

bosses: should not speak to you as if you are five years old. not speaking of anyone in particular (cough*myboss*cough) but seriously, cut it out already.

and there you have it friends. a little glimpse into the world of me. analyze away.

- E

2006-05-23T14:06:00.000-06:00

Not that I should care, but in light of the news that Jack Black and his wife are expecting a baby, I have one very important question:

when the hell did jack black get married?!

Please don't tell me Angelina had that damn baby already and the world is about to collapse. Where have I been?

- E

p.s. madonna sucks. a lot.

My parents are weird.

2006-05-18T21:27:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel like someone is just sooooooo completely insane there is no way you're going to reason with them? Like, you may as well be reasoning with your dog's butt? I often feel that way about my father. That being said, the following is a conversation we just had online about Jon Stewart who I USED to find really attractive.

Please tell me the rest of you have these kinds of conversations with your parents. Also, when you reach the end please make a mental note of who won the argument.

Dad: i'm watching the daily show

Me: i love jon stewart. He’s funny

Dad: and he looks just like my father

Me: EEEEWWW NO HE DOESNT

Dad: o yes he does

Me: oh no he doesn’t
Me: was ur father a ridiculously hilarious jewish man? NO

Dad: I mean physically and you didn't see my father when he was about fifty and yes he probably was JEWISH

Me: OMG. what...the...hell?
Me: why do you and mom INSIST that we're jewish?

Dad: MOM? what does she has of jewish?
Dad: You know the last name Salvo is most probably Jewish origin

Me: mom thinks we're jewish because of the anemia and please don’t start with that last name bullshit. this is how u tried to convince me our last name is italian
Me: it’s not

Dad: but the main thing is that jon stewart looks JUST like my father
Dad: I’m looking at him. I know what I am talking about. Even your brother think so

Me: omg. That’s sick. you have totally ruined jon stewart for me now. thanks a lot.

Dad: you’re welcome. what do you have against my father?

Me: i dont have anything against him. i just don’t want to be attracted to him

Dad: oh come on you can't be attracted to jon stewart. he could be your grandpa

Me: no he can’t!
Me: how old do you think he is? or rather, how old do you think i am?

Dad: he must be in his sixties and you are just 23, so there you go he could be your grandpa

Me: HE'S NOT IN HIS 60S!!!!!!

Dad: how old do you think he is?

Me: omg, this conversation is so disturbing
Me: he's a lot younger than u dad, i'll tell u that much

Dad: Well he is about my age I think

Me: NO
Me: he was born in 1962
Me: he's a good 11 years younger than u

Dad: how do you know?

Me: i just looked it up

Dad: they lie about their ages all the time

Me: i cant believe u thought he was in his 60s
Me: omg, its not a lie! he's in his 40s
Me: and also, i dont wanna marry the guy. I’m just saying i used to find him a handsome man

Dad: he looks just as old as Willie Nelson that is on his show right now

Me: omg, either u r completely insane or ur blind
Me: I’m not kidding

Dad: Because he looks like your grandpa when he was young?

Me: 'when he was young' behind the operative phrase there

Dad: well, ok I'll give you that much

Not-So-Universal Symbols.

2006-05-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

When I worked at XPN, Chris Williams — one of the greatest humans in the universe — and I developed a whole set of universal symbols that everyone should apply to their daily lives. (I think there were just four or five actually.) Unfortunately, I cannot show or explain them to you so you'll just have to figure them out on your own. But, the point is that universal symbols exist and should be — as their title suggests — universal.

I have discovered one that isn't: the upper arm touch.

What man in this world doesn't know by now that when a girl giggles and touches his upper arm, what she's basically saying is "I love you?" I mean, honestly. Do you think we do that kind of thing just for shits and giggles? You're not that funny and your muscles are not impressive enough to merit spontaneous touching. Now you know.

The problem is people in Chile are very friendly. So much so that I probably have to give an average of 20 kisses on the cheek on any given day. At first it seemed kind of sweet, but then you have to start giving kisses on the cheek to random people you've just been introduced to, or random people you haven't been introduced to that happen to be at the same place at the same time as you, and then it's not so cute anymore. I'm developing a serious fear of strange cheeks. But, anyway, people here are friendly and so they take any kind of touchy-feely gesture as one of friendliness and nothing else. Do you see the dilemna? I mean, how do people get together in this country? There's clearly no real flirting going on. They're definitely not doing the upper arm grab or anything that involves touching. God, I hope they're not just running around winking at each other or something. That would be weird.

Secrets shall be uncovered soon (I hope.) Spill the beans if you have any.

Loves (not in the touch-your-arm-cause-i-love-you way, though),
- E

Never Be Hungry Again.

2006-05-16T08:55:00.000-06:00

Here is a surefire way to always have something to eat:

Go to a crowded bus station on a long weekend. Wait until you find a group of women waiting for a bus to the beach who just purchased some delicious looking pastries. Give it time and eventually the most pathetic of the group will emerge. One of the other women will hand her the most delicious of the pastries — probably some kind of cinnamon/almond thing — and then she will hesitate for just a moment before eating. She'll glance over the pastry, thinking about how delicious it is but also realizing it's 8am and, damn it, she's tired. When this happens you run up DIRECTLY behind her, look very hungry and homeless and say something like "can I have a piece?" Then watch the expression of defeat as she hands you the whole damn pastry because she can't very well just give you a piece, now can she? You jerk.

This also works if you are a small homeless child and said pathetic-looking girl has just purchased an ice cream.

The art of ruining Eugenia's snacks: never fails.

- E

The Office

2006-05-14T19:34:00.000-06:00

I have to post right now because I just finished watching the season finale of The Office and I think I'm actually going to die at this very moment. That was probably one of the most incredible things I think I've ever seen in my life and it's made me insanely happy and ridiculously miserable all at the same time. I'm literally crying. JIM!!! Why is he the most incredible human to appear on television ever? Please tell me I'm not alone here.

Jim!! And Pam!! My god. How am I supposed to live after having watched that episode? HOW?! It's just not possible. Single tear running down his face!!! I can't stand it.

I want someone to say those things to me, and if it happens to be chubby-faced John Krasinski, even better.

- E

p.s. apparently Steve Carell (whose Chilean doppelganger I have already seen) wrote the episode. Someone declare that man a genius already. Wait, I just did. Bravo Carell, bravo.

p.p.s. Michael: "You are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez." How can I not love this show?

New Notebook.

2006-05-11T21:08:00.000-06:00

I needed a notebook to keep track of the hours I'm working so I know they paid me properly. So, I go into this store and I see this notebook (I swear I heard music at that very moment) and I had to get it. It has Spongbob (Bob Esponja) on the cover. He's on a scooter. Driving. Typical happy Spongbob face. And right below him it says the following:

"Love feelin' the wind in my holes."

Do you ever feel like you're the only one who can truly, TRULY appreciate how hilarious something is?

- E

Protestin'

2006-05-11T20:48:00.000-06:00

I've always wanted to take part in a real protest. Not because I care enough about something to spend my day(s) standing on streets and yelling, but because, well, doesn't it seem like fun?

I understand that if people are protesting it means that some wrong is being done and it's possible that standing and holding up paper with words written on it and yelling things doesn't seem like a very practical way to get it fixed, but imagine feeling so passionately about something — even for only a moment —? that you are willing to join a bunch of other clowns in some public venue to protest. I say this because it seems everything in Chile gets protested. A few weeks ago I passed a protest downtown in front of the capital building that had something to do witpoliticalal prisoners. Not sure who these political prisoners are, or why there arpoliticalal prisoners in a country that, in theory, is not in political turmoil, but that's what that sign said I'm sticking with it.

I wanted to join them. Really badly. First cause it seemed like a much better alternative than going to work and second because it was a damn good excuse to yell things in public. Never miss an opportunity to yell in public. But, I thought better of it because I had no idea who's these 'prisoners' were and I can't very well cheer for the wrong side. Oh, the price I pay for being an ignorant bastard is a high one.

A few days ago the big thing on the news was that a bunch of high school kids gathered downtown to protest the fact that they get charged for the Chilean equivalent of the SATs, which they all need to get into a university. They want free standardized tests. This, I thought, was quite a noble cause and although the little brats started vandalizing things and setting them on fire, I still gave them credit for the effort. They appreciated my credit-giving, of course. Each one of them. Individually.

The whole protest fever makes me wonder two things: 1) is anyone getting anything accomplished here with all this ruckusus? 2) Why doesn't this happen more often in the states? People need to complain in public more. Does anyone remember some kind of walk-out at Penn that none of us took part in? Oh, if I could go back, I'd walk out like you've never seen anyone walk out before. And just for show, I'd walk on water too. It's part of my magic trick. C'mon!

Keep on rockin' in the free world,
- E

Smartest People In The World

2006-05-09T10:33:00.000-06:00

There's this really funny thing that happens everytime I tell someone that I was born in Chile but raised in the states. Invitably they're response is "But, you don't speak spanish like a 'gringa.'" That means I don't have a damn accent, or rather that I speak with a Chilean accent. I'm still unsure why this is SOOOOOO surprising to everyone, but regardless that's how it is. Then they kind of look at me like I must be really smart or some kind of language wizard because I can speak spanish like a human. That's kind of fun.

I'll tell you what's not fun: the people at my stupid cell phone company. The downside to speaking like a human is that I give off the appearance of having lived my whole life in Chile but in actuality I didn't. So, I probably understand about 60% of what anyone says at any given time. That's just reality. These people talk a lot of shit, so most of the stuff I understand in context and usually I assume that what I don't understand isn't very important. (Usually I'm right.) But, I can't do that when the cell phone company calls because I can't dismiss comments away with a gesture or a facial expression over the phone. But, I sound like I'm Chilean and I own a Chilean cell phone. Point is the moron cell phone people think I'm an idiot.

It happens like this: First they call me to offer me some ridiculous promotion or some stupid contest I don't want to be a part of, second I answer the phone because I think it might be someone from work calling me, third I spend the whole conversation going "WHAT?!" ("actually "QUE?!") while the cell phone guy says things like "a promotion. Do you know what a promotion is?!" at which point the guy fucking pisses me off and I say something along the lines of "you know what? I'm really busy and you're using up my cell phone minutes. I don't want it, whatever it is! BYE!" and I hang up.

This happens about once every other day. On the days that they don't call me they send me text messages to remind me I can refill my phone minutes anytime I want, as if that wasn't obvious.

So, if you're feeling adventurous take a gander at the smartest group of people in the world, also known as the folks at Movistar and if you are feeling particularly frisky, send them a complaint note and tell them to leave me the fuck alone. But do it eloquently please. I don't want to seem crass.

Loves,
E

Kevin Lo Saved My Life. Now I Ruin Yours.

2006-05-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

Thanks to one Mr. K. Lo I am able to download all of the shows that I am missing while I am away, which is great because now the only TV that I watch is on my computer. No thanks to my brother who should have known this was possible and could have very easily explained how to do it when I complained on a daily basis that I wouldn't be able to watch my darling Wentworth break out of prison.

On that note, I have no one to talk to about the shows I watch, so you're just going to have to read my comments because I need to say these things to someone.

FIrst, HOW GOOD is Prison Break getting?! Oh man. OH...MAN. That's all I can say. When he kissed the doctor, I think I died. And Nick? What the hell. I don't understand the connection between him and the scary Jesus/Mafia guy. I guess he works for him but, what the hell. And he said only three people were gonna be on the plane. Do those threee include him because if they do then it's obviously Michael and his brother, but if it's three in addition to him I think he'd take the old man. Although, the old man might die, but only if his daughter dies first. See what I mean?! GOOD.

Second, did anyone watch Lane's wedding on Gilmore Girls? I really didn't like the way they handled it. And also I would have enjoyed a wedding night scene, even a brief one. Especially since they made a huge deal about Lane being a virgin until she gets married and I bet that shit would have been HIlarious. And what's with Luke's daughter's mother? What a dumb slut. She's the one who let her daughter go out doing DNA tests in the first place. Luke should just grow some balls. And, is it wrong I'm kind of starting to like Logan, although Rory should soooooo have hooked up with Jess (who by the way is her boyfriend in real life. Cute.).

Don't tell me what happens in the second part of the House where Foreman is sick but Foreman just becomes less and less likable every episode. And Wilson slept with the cancer girl! Whaaaaa? I think House and Cameron will hook up eventually. So jealous = me.

When the hell is the stupid ass on How I Met Your Mother going to meet their mother already? We know it's not Robin and also, WHY would he be telling his kids these stories? Doesn't make sense. But that Victoria girl had a weird mouth thing that really bothered me so I'm glad she's gone.

Phew. Now I feel better.

- E

Rockin' the 3D glasses

2006-05-08T09:28:00.000-06:00

Thought I owed this one to the kid, who I am sincerely missing after having met many many horrible children here in Chile.

Do I look like death or what?

2006-05-05T21:13:00.000-06:00

How adorable is this crazy animal? I miss this bastard. Insane....desire...to...squeeze...him....eeeeeeeeeeeee

Coke, as in Coca-Cola

2006-05-05T20:43:00.000-06:00

When I reinvented this here aloe-covered dictionary, I thought I would quickly run out of things to write about. But, it seems either Chile is endlessly fascincating or I'm slightly psychotic. Either way, here are some things I have been thinking about or have seen in the last few days. They would have all been separate posts, but blogger is a giant pain in my ass and was all fucked up. So enjoy the condensed version.

- Mullets. When were mullets a good haircut choice? I sure would like to go back to that town meeting. I cannot understand why everyone in Chile seems to think the mullet is a good look. Drastic measures must be taken to end this immediately.

- I never realized how much the word 'Coke' sounds like 'cock.' Man, if I got a penny for everytime I stiffle a giggle when one of my students says 'cock' instead of 'coke,' i wouldn't need students anymore.

- It seems everyone I know has a Chilean doppelganger and I am determined to find them all. So far I've seen Chilean Alex Koppelman, Chilean Yona Silverman, Chilean Matt Levitt, Chilean Steve Carrell (not actually someone I know), Chilean Matias (I guess he kind of is Chilean, so just his doppelganger then) and I've seen about 3 wannabe Chilean Abigail Salases but I can't cross that one off my list just yet. Next up: Chilean Kevin Lo, Chilean John P. Carroll, Chilean Mark Kelly, Chilean Victoria Cancelli and, of course, Chilean Ryan Adams — who shall not escape me.

- I saw this transvestite on the bus the other day. I'll tell you, either that guy was insane and actually thought he looked like a woman or he is just ballsy as all hell (HA! no pun intended!). Either way, I went out of my way to sit next to him and admire the madness of a man dressed as a woman in a country sooooooo fucking homophobic you can almost taste it. So, way to go crazy and/or very courageous man/woman. You are a true rock star.

- I was looking at people's pictures on facebook when I should have been sleeping and I got to thinking that I miss college and I miss hanging out with people who aren't hispanic. That's all.

- One of my students has SEVEN children. I told him he was just like the captain in The Sound of Music and he gave me that same look my parents give me when she I KNOW they did not understand what I said but they have no interest in asking me to explain it. This is why people miss half of the awesome things I say. Stupid Chilean Captain Von Trapp.

- One of my students today was super smart, spoke really well, was incredibly enthusiastic, really sweet, can communicate like a human, was wearing the cutest outfit I have seen on a boy since I got here (in a manly way, of course), is completelty adorable AND he works at Bacardi. In marketing. Where he makes a shitload of money. What's my point? Someone make this man's wife and kids disappear immediately.

This weekend I get to go to my cousin's 7th birthday party. I need a good reminder as to why I never want to have children. Wish me luck.

Loves,
E

Sweet Heaven (Kind of like Jane, but coffee-flavored

2006-05-05T20:41:00.000-06:00

You know that commercial where the guy is sitting at his computer surfing the web and all of a sudden a screen comes up that says "You have reached the end of the internet?" Well, today I made a discovery so grand that I felt like I had reached the end of civilized society and I was free to go back and enjoy of all the things that I rushed past on the way there.

I found a Starbucks.

I know! It's giant news. I sat. I marveled. I literally stood mouth agape at the cash register and stared for just a moment as the order-taker girl asked what I wanted. What did I order? I think it's pretty obvious. A tall caramel frapuccino, except I had to say "un frapuccino de caramel. alto." They had it listed as 'caramel' which is not a spanish word. That was kind of weird, but still in some way soothing. Sure the damn thing cost about the same as a three course meal and I didn't really feel like having coffee, but how could I turn away?

Now, I've had my fix and I can go back to normal life knowing that I can never again set foot in that magical, Starbucks-having land called Mall Plaza Vespucio.

Man, I am really tired.

Loves,
E

p.s. today I got in trouble for wearing sneakers that I THOUGHT would go unnoticed. What's say we test out how many more things will get banned from my work wardrobe?

Shameless

2006-05-02T21:49:00.000-06:00

Everyone please take a moment to linger on over to my profile (at your right, where it says 'profile') which I have lovingly updated with actual information. There isn't anything particularly interesting, I just don't want to feel like I spent my time thinking about interests if no one will actually read them.

Thank you. Come again.

- E

2006-05-02T09:19:00.000-06:00

This weekend I drank an Absolut Raspberry and tonic and then had some really oily french fries with my cousin and his fiancee. Then we got up early the next day to see the house/hall where they will have their wedding reception. There was a lot of talk of colors and dresses and cakes and buffets. Needless to say I am not feeling so well today, mostly cause of the fries but also cause of the wedding talk which I think actually made me dizzy.

Either way, there are buses rides and students awaitin´. I got to thinking this morning (on le bus, of course) about how much life is played out on the bus. I mean I´ve seen people throw up, break up, make up and make out. Not all on one bus ride, but close. Then there was the whole bee thing and the wallet being stolen and the lady who very easily dissimilated the fact that she was blind (How do blind people know what bus they´re getting on and when to get off? I swear I didn´t see her ask!) not to mention all the other hundreds of things I´ve alreay seen on the many bus rides I´ve taken. You think this happens in other places, or are people here just so open about shit that they really don´t mind everyone watching them eat each other alive and/or fight? It´s very bizarre. Already I can write a whole book on shit I´ve seen take place on the bus. The subway, meanwhile, is always crowded but somehow much less interesting.

(Sidebar: don´t you hate the feeling that someone is reading over your shoulder? You know what´s worse? Them blatantly reading over your shoulder. No respect. Sheesh. - STOP READING YOU ASS. This is for the internets, not for you.)

2006-05-01T19:12:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to post for several days now and Blogger was all fucked up. So, pardon my disappearance but it was all blogger's fault. Either way, the previous two posts were from last week and more things will follow.

Loves,
E

Ballerina Day

2006-05-01T19:09:00.001-06:00

Today I did the most awesome thing I think I've ever done and I can thank my darling boss for it. Yesterday, because of the unseasonably warm weather, I decided to wear a skirt to work. Nothing special, just a skirt, long enough so that I won't get chastised for not being formal enough. So, when I walk into work my boss looks at me and says, "Wow, you look pretty today. I hope you will look this pretty tomorrow morning when you go meet the new group." (!) Can we just take a moment to think about ALL of the things that are wrong with that comment?! I mean, what...the...hell? So today I rebelled in the only and best way I know how.

The only way to describe how I looked this morning would be something like ‘ballerina clown,’ except all in blue, which makes it confusing and yet awesome. The most fantastic part was that all of my clothes were formal enough so that she couldn’t say, “you have to wear business attire.” The was the idea, she couldn’t say anything. So, she walked in and she looks at me and she gives me this look that says, ‘I’ll comment on your attire later.’ I laughed and laughed. Actually, I literally laughed every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

Man, homegirl needs to get off of my jockstrap and stop commenting on every item of clothing I wear. My next move will be to bring in a detailed log of everything I own and just tell her that she should pick out an outfit for me every evening and just let me know what I should wear the next day. You think that will go over well?

Grouch City,
E

Too much math.

2006-05-01T19:09:00.000-06:00

I live in constant fear that I have miscalculated the time. You are asking yourself (the computer) "Eugenia, why do you need to calculate the time?" Well, I'll tell you. It's all because of something called military time. Now, this may come as a shock to some of you but I've never been in the military and, frankly, I don't see the purpose of military time. Actually, that's a lie. I do see the purpose, I just genuinely believe that the military time ship has sailed. If the whole world hasn't adapted to using military time all the time, then, well, just throw in the towel guys. I'm pretty sure that if someone tells me I need to teach a class at 1:00, I'll know that they mean 1pm and not 1am. Plus, then I can avoid all of that pesky math I have to do to figure out what the hell time I have to be somewhere. Or what time some show is gonna be on TV. It's way more trouble than it's worth. The end result is that I will be sitting on the bus at noon and for the entire hour that the bus takes to get to my job I'm thinking "shit, what time did they say I had class? 13:00? Fuck, what time is that? 1pm? That doesn't seem right. Hmmm, ....13 minus 12. Yeah, one. Fuck, am I sure? What if they said 15:00? What time is that? Hmmm...5 minus 2. 3. 3 o'clock. No, it can't be three. It must be one...son of a bitch..." ....and you get the idea. Then, people like to switch their time telling modes on me. So sometimes they'll say 14:00 but sometimes they'll just say 2:00. And then I am totally jealous at their super fast math skills and I want to yell several things about the uselessness of the metric system.

Eventually it all comes back to buying too much ham. Okay Chile, you got me.

Loves,
E

2006-04-25T08:19:00.000-06:00

I've thought of two more.

7. Please be kind enough to develop some sort of system where I don't HAVE to pay for the bus in change. What would the world be if machines didn't accept bills and give you change? It's only logical. May I suggest a refillable card system? That seems to work for every other city in the world. Get with the program Santiago.

8. Stores should have schedules and they should stick to them. (I'm talking to you bodega on the corner of Einstein and Independencia.) Do you think I like getting up at 6 in the morning to go to work? No. But if everyone (and I mean me) worked only when they felt like it, no one (me again) would ever get anything done. Open up that store you jerks. I want to buy things! I want to give you the moneys for the goods. You're only going to win here, trust me.

- E

Dear People of Chile,

2006-04-24T21:08:00.000-06:00

The following are rules one should follow when living in what I like to think of as a modern, civilized world. Please read carefully.

1. You know all those signs at the subway station that tell you to let people get OFF OF THE TRAIN before you get on? It's common sense, friends. You can't have 30 people getting on and off at the same time. Will it kill you to wait two seconds? I think not.

2. If you get on a bus where all the seats are taken and you have to stand, please stand at the back of the bus. Otherwise bees will eat your face and all of the people trying to get on after you will have to squeeze into the tiny space in the front. I don't like to be squeezed, especially when I am full of chocolate.

3. If you are over the age of 18, you should not — I repeat, SHOULD NOT — be making out in public. Maybe a little kiss, hold hands, whatever, but if I see tongues you've crossed the line. This kind of activity is not cute when you are a teenager, although it is universally accepted that teenagers are just balls of raging hormones, but when it comes to grown people, get a room. No one needs to see that. Seriously, would you kiss that way in front of your mother?

4. Stop stealing shit. It's not nice.

5. When taking English class at 8 in the morning, it is not proper to use the excuse "we're tired" when you don't answer a question or repeat when your teacher tells you to repeat. This is especially not proper when you have a fancy job in a fancy office and your teacher has to run around the city all day teaching a bunch of snots like you and she won't get home until 10pm and her stupid boss yells at her for wearing a jean jacket. Because, damn it, I'm more tired than you and that's all there is to it. Dumbass. Now Repeat.

6. The number of ants there are is in no way correlated to how much it will rain this winter. I don't care what "they" say, it's just not true. Also, wearing flip flops when it's just a little cold out will not give me pneumonia and the change of seasons does not make EVERYONE sick. In fact, I don't think it makes anyone sick. Except me when I have to hear how it makes you sick.

- E

p.s. My boss upon seeing me at work today: "What are you doing here?"
My response: "Um, I'm teaching a class. What are YOU doing here?"
I'm sort of glad she doesn't really get me.

'For example, I'm the employer, you are my subordinate'

2006-04-21T17:07:00.000-06:00

Two fantastic things have happened with my students so far. The first is that one of them was trying to say "I like drinking Coke" except he didn't say "coke" he said something else that sounds kind of like coke but is highly inappropriate for class and for my family-friendly blog. I'll let you use your imagination. The other thing is that yesterday one of my students actually referred to me as his "subordinate." That one really tickled my funny bone.

I've got this one group of seven students that is all boys and they are, by far, my favorite group — nice guys, funny, learn quickly. Needless to say they enjoy me as well. Other than that, my schedule is tough and I'm tired as all shit. And, I have to work tomorrow (SATURDAY). I have to teach a class from 9:15 until 1pm.

Someone please tell me what I've done to deserve this. And, if you have any ideas for other jobs I can do — sell my soul for example — so that I don't have to teach anymore, I'd be forever grateful.

Tiredness,
E

Bubonic is one of my favorite words....ever.

2006-04-19T20:59:00.000-06:00

A woman in LA was diagnosed with BUBONIC PLAGUE! Here are some highlights from the article:

"This is the first confirmed human case [of Bubonic Plague] in Los Angeles County since 1984." (SINCE 1984? Who the hell gets Bubonic Plague since, like, the 1300s?!)

"..the woman was exposed by fleas in her home and that there was no cause for alarm." (Anytime Bubonics are involved, I think it's cause for alarm.)

"An estimated 10 to 20 Americans contract plague each year' (20 people are getting PLAGUE each year?! WHO ARE THEY? British people from the 1300s? Seriously. Plus, I thought it was only called 'plague' when it was an epidemic. Why am I so confused?)

I didn't have contact with any Bubonics today, so hopefully I'm safe, but hot damn did I have a shitty day. First, I got chastised for wearing a jean jacket to work. No joke. I was already wearing uncomfortable dress pants and uncomfortable dress shoes and I have to get in trouble for wearing a goddamn jean jacket. I felt twelve and also I followed up my boss's comments with "Oh, you mean the jacket? What, I can't wear a jean jacket? What about these pants? Are these pants ok?" (You can decide for yourself whether those comments were a) sarcastic b) made out of concern c) the result of confusion or d) what I really meant was "what the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid whore. get out of my face."

THEN, i went to the mall (which I hate doing, but I had to kill 3 hours) and I walk out of some supermarket and the alarm goes off. So, the security guy follows me because CLEARLY he thinks I stole something and then when he realized I didn't steal shit, he made up this whole thing about how sometimes lotions and things still have the little tag that make the alarm go off. And, when that theory backfired, he made up this other whole thing about how I might have the little tag thing in my jacket even though I've had that jacket for FIVE YEARS and no alarm has ever gone off because of it. Anyway, he let me go and then all I really wanted was to bubonic plague my jacket.

I miss home.

Sadness,
E

Beeeeeee Yourself

2006-04-17T21:08:00.000-06:00

I fear bees. I fear them a lot and there is no logic behind it. I've never been stung by a bee. I've never accidentally eaten one. I've never even been chased by one. But none of that matters because they scare the living crap out of me. I might (MIGHT) be able to trace it back to a little movie called My Girl, but I won't even go there.

(Sidebar: the other day I had a dream where I was friends with a kid who looked EXACTLY like Maculay Culkin and he was a total druggie. Lesson? I need cooler friends.)

Anyway, so I'm on - duh - the bus the other day and in comes this bee and lands right on my leg. In a very un-Eugenia fashion, I scopped it off of my leg and onto the floor with my purse and then tried really hard not to worry that it was going to freak out and eat my face in retaliation. I would have succeeded if it wasn't for the fact that some girl sat next to me (trapping me between her and the window) and then the old couple behind me started discussing the bee very loudly. The thing is, the bee had somehow flown up and was crawling around on the window next to the old lady (RIGHT BEHIND ME). So, the old man is trying to kill it — which I was taught to believe is generally bad idea — and the old lady is saying "you're gonna make it mad, you're gonna make it mad." Then he flicks (!!!) the bee right in my direction and it falls somewhere in the vicinity of my feet but we're all unsure and no one is more worried than me that it will now not only eat my face but my right hand and then leave me to live a life of freakish misery with no face and no right hand. You can understand my concern, I'm sure. So, I'm freaking out about this bee, asking the old man "DID YOU KILL IT?! IS IT DEAD?! WHERE IS IT!?" And I'm sure I was actually yelling because I had my headphones on and I couldn't tell how loud I was talking but he still wasn't really answering me just kind of laughing, and the old lady is like "I don't believe you killed it. I really don't think you killed it." That helped a lot. Thanks old lady.

Worst bus ride ever.

Eventually I moved to the other side of the bus because I couldn't stand the thought of that damn thing crawling up my leg all pissed off about the scooping and the flicking and the yelling. Thankfully I still have a fully functional face (and right hand) but it was a close call, I'll tell you. Which leads me to ask the question, if you're not supposed to try and kill the bee and you're not supposed to run away from it because it will follow you, then what the hell ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO? My god those things are evil.

Bzzzzzz,
E

Sitting in a bowl/reading the newspaper

2006-04-13T12:33:00.000-06:00

The past few weeks have brought up a very big distinction between college and life in Chile.

In college I developed a moderate obsession with underwear collection. I think you will all feel me on this one. The idea was that the more underwear I had, the less often I was obligated to do laundry. In fact, during my four years at Penn, the only time you would ever hear me say "I need to do laundry" was when that statement was preceded by "Fuck, I'm out of underwear." I'm not digusting or anything, but you can all follow the logic. In college, you have to pay to do your laundry and, well, you also don't have much money. So, the less often I had to pay to do laundry the better, right? So, basically I have about a month and a half's worth of underwear and that will give you an idea of how long I can go without washing things in a machine, not counting the days when I don't actually shower (and we won't get into that, because I'd like to maintain at least some of my dignity on the internets.) The problem is my aunt does laundry like 50 times a day. And, if I leave the house, she washes everything in sight. The end result is that she washes the underwear I've used, hangs it dry (yes, the dryer is a foreign/expensive concept here) and then gives it back to me the next day. Then, I put that clean underwear in my underwear drawer and the next day I grab one from the top and basically I've been wearing the same 3 or 4 pairs of panties for like a month. I only realized this the other day when I, very intelligently, moved around the underwear in my drawer so that I stop grabbing the same ones. That's my Penn education hard at work for you.

The thing is not that I'm ungrateful. Whenever my clothes gets cleaned without my having to do anything, I'm grateful. It's just that, is it really neccessary to wash clothes so often? It seems like a waste, really. Plus about 90% of my underwear feels neglected these days, and that is just adding on the guilt. Frankly, after the blind lady, the people with the lazy eyes and all the Catholic guilt I'm getting passed on to me by diffusion, I doubt I can handle much more.

Speaking of not being able to handle much more, here are pictures of my cousin's twin daughters. They're fraternal, in case you can't tell and two of the most incredible kids I've ever met in my life. As is typical of me when I see cute things, I wanted to squeeze the hell out of them. Thankfully, I didn't and here they are making their internet debut:

Sorry one of them is sideways. I have not the knowledge nor the patience to fix it. Don't hurt yourself looking at it, though. It's just a kid in a bowl.

Loves,
E

Why I Hate The Bus

2006-04-11T20:32:00.000-06:00

Today was my last day of training and tomorrow I start working as an english teacher. But that has nothing to do with the very enlightening experience I had today.

I was on the bus — the very, very full bus that the driver kept letting people get on (don't get me started) — and, as you can imagine I was getting really annoyed. First, I was forced to stand next to the door, which not only meant that I had to move EVERYTIME someone wanted to get off but also that before and during their departure from the bus they were forced to mandhandle me because the f-ing bus driver can't stop gradually. No, no these guys have to see just how close they can get to the bus in front of them without hitting the breaks and then — and i think they secretly love this — hit the break really hard at the last minute and send everyone flying forward. Everyone except me of course because I am trapped between the guy who's hand is on my ass and the metal bar digging into my side. So, I was just a little aggravated. Then this lady gets on the bus and squeezes her way through the masses to stand sort of in front of me holding on to the same metal pole that I am holding on to for dear life. No one else is holding on to the pole. Not one other person. Just me and her. Shockingly, this is not a bus for dogs and the pole is more than long enough so that two people can hold on to it without their hands bumping into each other.

This may sound weird, but the guy who's hand was very clearly on my ass did not bother me as much as this woman who, I imagined, out of pure ridiculousness would not stop moving her hand closer and closer to my hand. It's the principle. The ass guy had no other choice but to hold on to the thing that was right behind me, but the hand woman, she clearly was doing this just to spite me. Also, I have this thing about holding hands...that's certainly a story for another day, but the point is this woman was driving me fucking nuts. No matter how far away I moved my hand, her hand managed to find it again.

Finally she decides to get off of the bus and I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm having an Elaine on the subway moment where in my head I'm freaking out. I'm yelling completely obscene things at her in my mind. I'm giving her the most evil looks I can muster, with the kind of evil energy one can only give when one is trying to show emotion to a stranger through the evil eye. Then, the bus stops and she starts to get off and of course she puts her hands ALL OVER ME on the way to the door. And then, THEN she pulls out a cane and asks for help to get off of the bus because ... SHE WAS BLIND!

In my defense, she totally had normal looking eyes but my god did I feel like an asshole.

I think it was punishment for being totally freaked out by the THREE people with lazy eyes that I saw earlier today. One of them may have been a prosthetic eye and that freaks me out even more.

Anyway, I was a total bitch to a blind lady in my mind today and I have a bit of guilt about it. But, on the bright side, she definitely did not see my evil eye. And so, the world is all right.

Loves,
E

Talking to Jesus.

2006-04-10T19:43:00.000-06:00

Today we did this really awesome thing in training as part of a mock activity that one of my fellow trainees prepared. Everyone had to name someone they admired (like someone famous, not your mom. Specifically not YOUR mom, but also not anyone else's) and then we had to pretend we were on a talk show and each of us was the person that we had said we admired, and we took turns interviewing each other. Guess who I got to interview?

JESUS! No joke, someone said they admire Jesus in a classroom setting, and those are the true benefits of living in a super Catholic country, although he's not Catholic, he's Anglican and a Catholic probably wouldn't say Jesus, but anyway, it rocked.

I asked him, you know, what you'd ask Jesus. Things like "what do you think the status of humanity is in the year 2006? have we gotten better or worse?" and "what exactly is it that you do all day?" and "hey, you've got a big holiday coming up this weekend, whatcha gonna do?"

When it was all over (trust me Jesus gave some boring answers) a couple of people commented on how i was a good interviewer. that made me laugh. i said i'd had a little bit of practice at it and then looked at the floor which i think either made me look shy or cocky. I'm leaning towards cocky.

On a related note, it's 'semana santa' here in Chile, better known as the ENTIRE WEEK before easter during which - I have just realized - I will not be allowed to eat meat. This is sad for several reasons. One, it makes me realize that I have no control over my meals, two, I like meat and three it reminds me that I might be forced to go to church this weekend, and frankly I think interviewing Jesus and asking him what he does all day is more than enough religion for the year. I should certainly be exempt from actually having to attend church. Someone please back me up on this.

I Heart NYC

2006-04-09T09:53:00.000-06:00

On March 15 I received the following email from my brother:

"Hey, Guess who i shared a cab with this morning.... guess, guess.... go on.

Giselle Bundchen!!!! Did you guess it? NO!"

I share this with you for two reasons. One, because it reminds me what an insane place New York City is and why (celebrities aside) I miss it.

Two, it gives me the opportunity to tell you that my brother once stood behind Al Roker in line at the supermarket and talked to him about how to make thanksgiving turkeys. And, although him sharing a cab with Giselle is probably not true (liar), I'm going to let it slide and believe it anyway, even though he REFUSED to believe that I saw Tate Donovan with a bicycle on 42nd street.

(For those of you who don't remember, Tate Donovan is the man who was engaged to Jennifer Aniston before anyone cared whether or not her biological clock was ticking. Aside from that, he seems like a very pleasant man and he smiles a lot and he has a bicycle. AND, he was in Love Potion No. 9 with Sandra Bullock, which is a great movie.)

Anyway, I heart New York and I have to give it to him — if it's true — sharing a cab with Giselle Bundchen is way better than seeing Tate Donovan with a bicycle.

Here are some more pictures from my trip to the south:

This is the view from the front porch of my cousin's house in Quellon (on the island of Chiloe) if you turn to the right. Please note the garbage bag, because I have yet to see one human in this country who owns a regular size garbage can and throws out regular size garbage bags.

This is the entire city of Quellon from the other shore. Yes, that really is the whole city. It's very pretty but there is nothing to do there, apparently, except get trashed in the middle of the day and try to cross the street, which may seem like fun to all of you, but it can't possibly be that much fun when it happens on a daily basis.

Wondering how much fun you can suck out of crossing the street drunk,
E

The Diplomats' Kids

2006-04-05T20:29:00.000-06:00

Today I started my first day of training at an english institute. It's an an institute that is known and exists in varous countries with headquarters in Princeton, New Jersey (I learned that today). So far it's been pretty cool. Our trainer lady does this insane "mmmm-k" thing that is JUST LIKE the teacher from South Park, and it's really pissing me off that no one else has mentioned it. I would mention it myself but... I'm shy. It kills me that none of the other 8 teachers-in-training laughs when she says "mmmmm-k" in a manly voice. Either way, today in class I made a 'joke' about being self-involved and for the first time since I got to Chile I felt like I was communicating with people and they really, actually, truly got it. Then they went on to this whole discussion about how I used humor in my 'presentation' and how that helps to break the ice in a classroom setting and blah blah blah. I wanted to explain that none of our future students will get my jokes, but then they got all caught up some other stuff and I zoned out for a few while thinking about how no one appreciates my funniness. (Funniness?) So, after a five day training program I will have real live students to torture with my perfectly pronounced, fast-talking english.

(All of my fellow trainees are children of diplomats. Jerks.)

OH, this is good. So, we all had to do these presentations on whatever we wanted and after everyone was done we went over what everyone did right and wrong so we can learn to run a class. Anyway, after mine the trainer said something like "Well, for one you're english is very good. Not the words you use, I mean the way you use them." Can someone please dicepher what kind of a freak compliment that was?

Man, it's good to have something to do during the day other than watch horrid Chilean television.

As promised, more pictures:

This is a picture of my very fabulous little cousin Sofia with a very fabulous (and flea-infested) little kitten who I should mention thoroughly enjoys long naps anywhere she can take them.

This is the neighborhood my cousin Javier lives in in Puerto Montt. Please notice the GIANT VOLCANO in the background. No worries, it looks closer than it is, but if my cousin were more awesome (not that he isn't awesome cause he is, but if he were more awesome) he would run around saying "there's a volcano in my backyard!" (maybe with a bell? too much?)

This is a map of Chile so you can see how long I traveled to get from Santiago to Puerto Montt.

This is the boat that takes all the buses accross the canal from the continent to the island of Chiloe. It looks safe but it didn't really feel like it.

That's all for now, folks.

Sleep tighties.

Loves,
E

Finally...

2006-04-04T18:36:00.000-06:00

A decent song by The Frames but also how I feel about now having internet at home. As promised, here are some pictures to ease you into my regular posting schedule. There will be more to come, of course.

This is what was waiting for me when I arrived in Chile - a lovely 'asado.' Yes, it was lovely. Also, that's my cousin Claudia in the picture, who would probably be horrified if she knew I published this on the internets.

These two are the front and backyard of my aunt's house. Tell me you wouldn't feel lucky to have that view.

I think if you click on these pictures you will see bigger versions. Test it out, let me know if it works.

Tomorrow will bring more pictures and more thoughts as I also begin training for my new job (which I will tell you all about TOMORROW). Don't you hate that? I mean, why wouldn't I just tell you now since I'm here and I'm typing. But sadly, not.

Loves,

E

2006-03-30T13:09:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I finally became a true part of Chilean society: someone stole my wallet. On the bus. With, I´d guess, about 20 people watching.

Here is how it happened:

I had to go teach this class really far away in a part of town I´ve never been to in my life, which meant it took me about two hours to get there and I had to take two buses during rush hour. So, during the second bus ride the bus was so full that people were literally hanging out the doors. Although, apparently there was quite enough room for someone to open my purse, reach in, take out my wallet and exit the bus without much commotion. At least twenty people saw and didn´t bother to say anything and so I didn´t notice until I was on my way back home and I went to put some change in my wallet. Thankfully, I had enough money in my pocket to get home. Otherwise I would have had to beat some bitches up.

Contents of my wallet:

Chilean ID
one business card
pictures of family and friends
about 2 dollars

Was it worth it, suckers? I´m guessing not

Lessons learned:

Don´t trust humans.
Keep my purse in front of me at all times.
Be glad that no one appreciates ipods in this country.
Don´t trust humans.

And so now I am fully inaugurated as a Chilean citizen.

Sadness,
E

6am Wake Up Calls

2006-03-29T07:49:00.000-06:00

Harsh realization of the day: there is no Starbucks in Chile.

I know what you are thinking, Starbucks is not only the devil, but it´s over-priced. You´re right. But, when you get up at 6am to catch the bus at 7am (just barely) to be at your pseudo-job at 8am that grande iced vanilla latte is damn near essential. 6am! I mean, really, who do these people think I am? I don´t think I have gotten up this early since I was in high school. It was, honestly, darker out when I got up then when I went to sleep. How do the rest of you handle this? I´m not saying they should put a Starbucks in every corner, but at least one. Why hasn´t the devil capitalized on the international market yet? Get to it, Satan. The morning isn´t the same without you.

------------------------

So, I have a pseudo-job teaching English with an institute for now. I won´t say much about it because I hope that the situation will change very soon, but suffice it to say I´m fucking tired right now and my day is just beginning.

-----------------------

I´m at this internet cafe where they have individual 'private' booths. Does that seem fishy? There are big signs that you are not allowed to look at sites that publish ´pedofília´or 'material pornográfico.' How many people do you think actually follow that rule?

Can we say 'thank god for hand sanitizer?'

Dreaming of caramel frappuccinos,
- E

p.s. R.E.M.'s 'Stand' just came on. Anyone up for an awkward Michael Stipe dance? Doooooo it.

I made a funny!

2006-03-24T13:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I said something funny in spanish. Well, better said, yesterday for the first time ever someone understood my humor. This is a small step for mankind, but a giant step for Eugenia who has had to suffer through endless silence and looks of confusion in the last month.

Also, in case anyone was wondering, I have yet to win the lottery here in Chile even though everyone thinks I´ll somehow bring them luck. (?). I don´t think I got even one number in the last one, and everyone finds my lack of enthusiasm frustrating. Or so I imagine.

On a related note, some poor sucker did actually win the lotto. He was a securtiy guard or something and when they asked his wife if they were gonna buy a new house she said they didn´t have enough for that and that they would just fix their house. Do these people deserve that kind of money? They don´t think big enough for millions. I mean, I´m a big-thinker. That´s all I´m gonna say.

Also, I´m reading Hemingway´s A Moveable Feast and, at first, I was a little bored, but now that I´m about halfway through I´m really starting to grasp its brilliance. Oh Ernie, how you surprise me.

I might move to Paris.

Loves,

E

p.s. why doesn´t anyone love or hate me enought to leave a comment? Thanks a lot guys. Where´s the hatred and loathing? I´ll have to start being more controversial.

KEVIN LO DAY!

2006-03-22T09:56:00.000-06:00

In all of my fascination with myself, I missed out on a good friend´s birthday while I was away in the south.

My apologies to you, Kevin Lo - a very good friend indeed who somehow ended up with terrible friends like myself.

So, in honor of you, today is Kevin Lo Day on the internets, where we will celebrate the fabulousness that is the birth of Kevin Lo.

Yay!

In my mind, this is how we are celebrating your birthday right now

Yay!

Happy birthday!

Loves,

E

p.s. this birthday thing will stop soon, I promise. Also, last sunday I got my first drunk phone call from a cousin (at 6am!!). Fantastic conversation. Looking forward to more of that.

Chees-a-licious

2006-03-21T16:07:00.000-06:00

Today is my brother´s birthday and because I can´t be there to punch him in the face, I´m celebrating virtually. Everyone send kind thoughts in the way of Older Brother Salvo on his day of birth.

Don´t cry buttface, but you´re old.

Yay!

Loves,
E

2006-03-21T15:51:00.000-06:00

I´m back from the south. Fantastic there. It rains a lot but everything is green and amazing and I got to visit my cousin´s two-year old twins who are incredible.

Spent time in Puerto Montt (a 12 hour bus ride from Santiago) and in Quellon on the island of Chiloe (another 6 hours from Puerto Montt.) Needless to say I never want to see another bus.

This week is officially "Get the internet at home" week, which I am very excited about. But, to hold you over while I still can´t post pictures, here are some random thoughts from last week.

- Why can´t I flush toilet paper down the toilet anywhere in this country? I find this not only repulsive but also against my nature. Seriously.

- Mmmmmmm, bread.

- Salmon isn´t so bad when you put some cheese on it, which leads me to believe cheese makes everything better.

- Fireplaces are awesome.

- Babies! Dear god, do they ever stop moving around?

- Happy birthday Lorena!

- There probably isn´t anything better than seeing a drunk (and by drunk I mean OBLITERATED) middle-aged man trying to cross the street at 11am. Seems there isn´t much else to do in the south of chile. Some of you might it there. Bunch of drunks.

- I think the guy who owns the internet place is adorable. Not in like an ´I wanna marry him´ way, but more like an ´Awwww, you´re adorable´ way. What bothers me about that is that he´s kind of short, and I´m starting to think that in my absence I´m starting to become too much like one Ms. Abigail Salas. (Hahaha.)

- My mother clearly did not understand what I meant when I said "press the enter button twice." For her ignorance I apologize and I promise not to let her post for me ever again. (You should have seen how long it took just to get her to type in the proper username and password. Sheesh.) (Just joking, Mom. I appreciate you!)
,
- Mmmmmm, bread.

2006-03-14T20:03:00.000-06:00

I am currently in the south of Chile. Pardon my absence, but I promise to have picture up when I get back to Santiago next week. -E (via E's Mom.)

Miss America

2006-03-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

Right now, the guy sitting next to me at the internet place (more like a house, really) is smoking. I tell you this because he has no problem blowing his cigarrette smoke directly in my face. No problem at all. I find it slightly offensive, but at this point in my venture I´ve come to realize there isn´t much I can do about it. Everyone here under 35 smokes. Everyone. They also don´t care what direction they are expunging their filth in.

I miss America. North. North America. Where we judge and we make people stand outside and, fuck them if it´s cold, damn it, go blow your cancer somewhere else. You know what I mean? The number two question I get from everyone - right after "did you leave any broken hearts in the US?" HA! - is "Do you smoke?"

No, Chile, I don´t. And I don´t have a boyfriend, neither am I looking to get married anytime soon, thank you.

That settles that.

Loves,
E

p.s. I just figured out how to use the proper quotation marks on this stupid thing. It´s like learning to use a computer all over again.

International Women´s Day

2006-03-08T13:54:00.000-05:00

I have two things to report today.

One, today is the day of the woman everywhere but in the U.S. where, um, no one cares about women? Not sure about that one. Would have to double check. Anyway, I´m sure the U.S. pretends to celebrate it, but no one really cares. Here in Chile you´re supposed to get flowers or something, except no one has given me flowers and this little celebration of the woman is starting to feel a lot like Valentine´s Day. Suspiciously so.

Yadda yadda. So, here in Chile we (see what I did there?) celebrate women, kids, parents and grandparents, all of whom get a day except the kids who get a whole week. Does that seem fair? I mean, don´t they already have Christmas and Easter and Halloween? We Americans (see what I did there?) sure know how to ignore everyone equally. Except for mothers and fathers and all those holidays I already said the kids have, and probably the women and, damn, secretaries. Nevermind.

Happy International Women´s Day!

In a second bit of news, you´ll all be happy to know that I have decided I will never get married in a church (not catholic or any other kind). I used to say that if I felt so inclined I would get baptized and do the whole first cummunion thing just so that I could marry in a church and then never go church again, which seems totally sacriligous or something, but as it turns out, I don´t think the damnation is worth it. It tell you what changed my mind. This past Sunday I went to mass for the first time in, oh, let´s say, 8 years. Possibly more....

Hmmm, come to think of it, that´s about all the explanation I need. And, of course, this is all counting on the fact that someday I will actually be, um, getting married. Well, look at that. Aaaaaaaand....scene.

Loves,
E

all you need is love

2006-03-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

I´ve changed the settings and now everyone is free to leave a comment. No need to be a member or logged in or any of that nonesense.

so, go forth and comment.

Loves,
E

Celebrity me

2006-03-08T08:16:00.000-05:00

Visit my good friend John Carroll, of Promohthree fame to see what he has to say about, well, me and also to see how the Dictionary With Aloe came into existence.

Also, check out my lovely IMterview done quite some time ago, but I´m really struggling to hold on to those 15 minutes. (Sorry to my parents if I said anything inappropriate. John Carroll made me do it.)

Too much ham.

2006-03-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

I´ve spent a good part of this week trying to figure out how much something costs by mentally figuring out the price in dollars. I´m pretty proud of myself, actually, because I fuck up math problems in my head about as often as I trip (which those of you who know me will vouch is pretty often). Anyway, the result of that is that everything seems really cheap. ¨Less than a dollar for an hour of internet! Great!¨¨75 cents for a bus ride! Woooo!¨ We could get into a whole discussion on how if I keep changing everything into dollars I´m gonna end up spending more than I should because I should get an idea of how much things cost here and not think about how much the cost is in the states, BUT, my problem is this: the metric system is a bunch of crap.

I´ll explain.

Where money is concerned I have no problems. I mean I divide or I multiply by 500 and that gets me within range of what something costs in dollars. But, ask me what the speed limit is in miles. Or, let´s say, what the temperature is. Or, how much sliced ham I should ask for at the deli. If I think about it logically, one kilo of ham is within the vicinity of 2 pounds. I think. Fine, I have no idea, but let´s go with it. So, if I want like half a pound of ham I´d ask for 1/4 of a kilo, right? I mean, that would probably still be way more than half a pound, but close enough I figure. The problem is, when I get to the deli and I ask for ham, they ask me how much and then I freak out and I think a kilo is less than a pound and I say ¨Un kilo, por favor.¨ And they look at me funny and ask if I´m sure, at which point I have no other option but to get cocky and assure them that, yes, I want a kilo, damn it. And then I have to take home a hell of a lot of ham. You see the dilemna? Now, see if it were easier to change from one system to the other, say, by dividing by two or something there would be no problem. But now I´m faced with comments like ¨it´s 30 degrees out!¨ and I have no clue how I should react to that.

Ugh. Remember a few years ago when the US Government wanted us to switch to the metric system and we laughed? Well, we sure showed them. Stupid metric system.

- E

Communist Parties

2006-03-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

The other day on the television I was watching the news, which I never do because I hate it, but everyone here watches the news and, basically, I have no option but to pretend I care to watch it...but anyway, I didn´t mind watching this particular day because I was fairly intrigued by one story. They showed clips of the communist party out celebrating some anniversary of some lady who was somehow important to the party. (I said I watched, I didn´say I paid attention.) But, really it was just like any other news clip of any other party. As if they were saying "Oh, the AARP is celebrating an anniversary. Here are some clips." So, anyway, I got to thinking about politics, which I try never to do because, well, it makes my brain hurt. And, it occured to me... a recently elected DIVORCED, FEMALE, SOCIALIST president AND the COMMUNIST PARTY out in the street celebrating some important COMMUNIST figure. It started to feel like I was very far from the U.S. of A. and, as it turns out, I was. (´Cause I´m in Chile, duh.) But, just as some form of mental exercise, try to imagine a communist party party in the U.S. OR, better yet, try to imagine a communist party party in Miami. On Calle Ocho. Delicious, to say the least.

On a not really related note, the other day I was at the sea port (Valparaiso, to be exact) with an aunt and we were looking at some of the stuff they had for sale at this little street fair and I saw a Che Guevara shirt, and frankly, even this far away from Urban Outfitters, it still really annoyed me that those exist.

That´s all for now.

Loves,

- E

The Dictionary with Aloe - REINVENTED

2006-03-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

Hello all.

Here is some news you may not know: I can´t live without medicated chapstick. The thought makes my lips chapped and my heart sad. :( <---- that´s what my heart looks like. So, when I decided to take my own version of a year-long sabbatical (in Chile) medicated chapstick was all I could think about. Well, that and, you know, the whole language thing. But anyway, here I am. In Chile. Hundreds (thousands? Hundreds of thousands?) of miles away from home with 5 tubes of medicated chapstick. So, what´s left to do but reinvent the dictionary with aloe?

So, everyone, follow me on the internets as I remain remarkably calm while trying to figure out the goddamn keyboards here. I´ll post awesome pictures as soon as I get the internet at home (what year is it again?) and I´ll write about all the weird things they do here and all of the very American things that I am now realizing I will not have in the coming year. All I can say is, thank god Arrested Development ended before I left. Phew.

Loves,
E

p.s. Stay tuned in the next couple of days as I will be posting various things/observations I have written in the week that I have been here thus far. Good times.com.